Learn To Love.

Chapter 15

Red sat in the chair he always sat in and kicked his feet like a kid who'd just been scolded. Ursa was looking at him in a bit of a worried way, but there was kindness behind their eyes like there always was.

"Red, you don't have to keep going if you don't want to," they reminded him gently.

"N-No, it's fine, I didn't know if... if you were okay with me goin' on," he said, but he refused to look at the bear monster. "I know cause of Blue 'n Pap that... you guys don't deal with this stuff here, so... I don't wanna make anyone feel bad..."

Ursa let out a little breath before moving away from their computer. "Red, I'm here for you. In this world we may not see abuse to the extent you've described, but it still exists. And it's my job to help you get passed what happened. I want you to get passed what happened. You can talk as long as you'd like to."

Red blushed a little and looked at the wall, the floor, all the places that weren't the bear's face. There was silence for a few moments before Ursa spoke again.

"When he made you transform, what did he do to you?" they prompted, picking back up where he'd left off.

Red winced at the words. "He always muzzled me, just ta make sure I wouldn't try anything." Red gritted his teeth together and paused for a moment. "... He'd... treat me like a dog. Hah, not to say he didn't do that all the time, but it was... worse. A couple of resets he'd carve it in my bones, y'know, back when I still tried to fight back. One time he branded it. Right here," Red gently touched a hand to his forehead before he recoiled at the memory.

"How many resets were there?" Ursa asked.

"I dunno... fifty? I didn't keep track after ten... the first few were the hardest, y'know, it was like falling asleep and havin' the same nightmare over and over and over again... except it was real, and he'd do different shit every time, and it fuckin' hurt. God it hurt," Red said as he hugged himself and drew away into his jacket. It was a new one- Blue had got it for him for their one year. He was a big romantic sap.

"But... but yeah. He'd call me "good boy" and "bad dog" and all this disgusting shit, chain me up, whatever... it was better than the sex. He wouldn't rape me if I was a blaster, said I was too disgusting, so I liked it better than when I was just... me. It's all really fucked up," Red said, glancing briefly up at Ursa apologetically.

They shook their head. "You didn't deserve what happened to you. I'm sorry, Red."

Red snorted. "Hah, Blue and Pap tell me that all the time. Dad too, but he can't even make himself believe it, so he's shit at convincing me. Musta been... musta been after twenty resets I went to the machine. I knew it was dangerous but I didn't know what else to do. The resets would always pull me back but I managed to get away for a while, I... I found a few Paps that weren't like my bro. They were... I dunno. But they looked like him and they loved their Sanses and I got so... so angry." Red closed his eyes shut tight. "I hate it, I know it was bad, I knew it was bad when I did it, but I hurt them like he hurt me. I'd get killed but I'd just end up back with him. The machine acted up and it just sent me places out of the blue. I'm... not a good person." Red stared, wide-eyed, at the floor. He was rambling, he always rambled, he couldn't help it. "I like it here, I... I dont want to be dead anymore, but nothing I do can ever make up for that shit. I'm always going to be bad. I'd take it all back if I could, but I can't and I hate it."

Ursa was quiet for a while. Red looked up at them and saw a distant look in their eyes before they pulled themself back.

"People can change, Red. You've changed- I don't think anybody could blame you for what you did. If anybody is bad, if anybody deserves pain and fear and sadness, it's your brother." Ursa took in a deep breath. When Red didn't speak, they went on gently. "I can't say I could ever begin to understand what it was like to be in your shoes, to be forced to endure things over and over until it hurt so much you couldn't live. Suicide has always been the ultimate end, in my eyes." Ursa looked away. "I can't begin to imagine how much pain it would bring, to end your life only to come back. For there to be no escape, not even death. What you did in response to that was the result of severe psychological trauma."

"But I still did it ," Red said. The oily feeling was back in his ribcage, making it ache and burn like it was on fire. "I still h... I still hurt him. Blue." He felt embarrassed when tears started welling in his sockets, but it wasn't the first time he'd cried in front of Ursa. "And no matter what I do it won't go away. It hurts to think about it- and I don't know how to make it stop. He's forgiven me so many times, he tells me it's okay, that he's fine, but it won't stop ."

Red hugged himself and breathed in Blue's smell that was still clinging to his jacket. He tried to calm himself down, but he was still crying. He felt stupid. It had been over five years, counting the time he spent back in his timeline, and he was still being such a fucking bitch about this. He clamped his hand down around his arm as hard as he could, hoping the pain would help take away the ache.

He didn't notice Ursa's hand until it gently touched his and pulled it away from his arm. He looked into their big brown eyes and swallowed.

"I love him. I love him so much it hurts ," Red whined.

Ursa drew away, but Red felt so empty and alone. He jerked forward and wrapped his arms around the monster and held them for all he was worth. It wasn't the first time.

There was silence that was broken only by Red's pathetic sobs and sniffles. Ursa rubbed his back with their big furry paw.

"Red..." they began softly, "he can forgive you a million times, but you have to forgive yourself. I know you love him, and I know he loves you, but... but he can never love you enough for two."

Red pulled away a little bit and looked up at the monster. He didn't understand. Ursa gave him a sad little smile.

"You have to learn to forgive yourself, Red. You have to learn to love who you are, at least enough to forgive what you've done. Then you can start to heal."

Red stared at them.

"You have to learn to love yourself. Maybe not as much as you love Blue, or Papyrus, or your father, but enough that you can forgive yourself for what happened in the past. I think that's the first step."

The cogs in Red's mind were turning, trying to process what Ursa had said. It sounded impossible, if he was being honest, but he trusted Ursa and so he nodded.

If... If Sans and Papyrus and Gaster loved him, he couldn't be all bad. So maybe some day he could learn to look at himself like they looked at him. It had never even occurred to him- that he might be the problem, that it was up to him to forgive what he'd done. It felt so obvious now that it was said aloud.

It was at least worth a try, he thought. If not for himself, then for the others.

He could do it.