Misunderstood

Chapter 9.

After being with Harry, I decided to make my way home. I haven't spoken with my father since the day we had the big fight. And I don't even think he noticed that I was gone. I feel bad that I fought with my father but it wasn't his place to just randomly come up to me and ask what's wrong. He hasn't done that for 4 years, yet he decides to come and think that everything's okay? No, it takes more than a question to make up for those long years of misery. Where was he when I was in my bed crying myself to sleep? When I thought so low of myself and saw no value, where was he? Where was my dad? I needed someone to comfort me, to tell me that I am worthy, that I deserve happiness. Sure there was Emma, but it seemed as if she didn't care. I hardly tell her anything because over the years she has changed. She's not the same Emma I met years ago. And I feel bad, but hey I'm just saying my opinion. 

I stepped one foot into the house and boom I'm in trouble.

"Where were you Alex?"

"None of your business."

"It is my business, I'm your dad and I deserve an explanation." 

"You honestly don't deserve anything."

"Stop talking to me like that! You make me feel like shit, you do know that right?"

"Well that was what I wanted to do so.. Yeah I guess."

"Why do you want to make me feel this way? Why do you make my life more harder than what it already is?"

"Hard? You're fucking kidding me right? You know she meant a lot to me too right?"

"Of course, but she was my wife Alex!"

"And she was my mother dad! I lost my mother for good. I won't be able to see her smile, I won't be able to hug her ever again, I won't be able hear her laugh anymore, I won't be able to hear her say that she loves me. You think that doesn't affect me either? Sure she was your soul mate, but you'll be able to find another person you will be able to love again. But for me, I lost my mom. You just don't understand, you didn't listen, and you sure as hell weren't there when I was drowning in my tears. No one was there, no one will ever understand. And that's why I'm so closed up. Fuck, you weren't even there when I had the break up with Christian. I need my dad. I need my dad back. I miss my dad because the person who is standing in front of me isn't him."

I cried. I felt my eyes burning and my heart aching for the expression on his face for everything that I had said to him. He was hurt and I hurt him once again. I have problems, problems that I don't talk to anyone about and I think that's why I'm so fucked up. I'm fucked up because I'm broken. I don't know how to handle my emotions and I can't control what I say to other people. How can Emma stick around? How can my dad even stand my presence? How can Harry even see interest in me? I don't want to hurt him but it's something I do if I don't want to be hurt myself. 

"Alex, please listen to me. I love you. I don't want to lose you. I understand what I did was wrong and I want to make it up to you. You're my daughter and it's my job to be there for you. I messed up and it's my fault that you're this way. I want to start over with you, you're everything to me and you're the last thing that I have of your mother. You remind me of her everyday. In fact you always reminded me of her everyday. That's the reason why I didn't come to your room at night when you would cry yourself to sleep because I wasn't ready to come face to face with you. You look so much like your mother and it hurts because you're not her. I didn't come out from my room for that  reason. I wasn't ready to see you. I was afraid actually. You look like your mother a lot now. And it does hurt but you're my daughter and I want to be able to be there for you Alex. I will do anything to make it up to you. Please."

I thought about it for a moment. He gave me a reason and I feel as if I should give him a second chance. Everyone deserves second chances. 

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yes dad. I want to make this work too."

"I love you. This won't happen again."

"I hope not."

"It won't, but may I still ask where you were?"

"Oh, um, I was with this guy named Harry and yeah."

"Is he your new boyfriend?"

I froze. What is Harry? Friends with benefits or just friends? What are we really?

"Um, just a friend."

"Oh okay, cool. Well I think we both should go to bed, this was one hell of a night."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Alright, love you Alex, always remember that." 

"I love you too dad."

"Goodnight."

I couldn't sleep, I kept thinking about Harry and I.. What were we?