when we were young -phan

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TRIGGER WARNING: homophobic slurs, depressing thoughts, self harm

!!! Please do NOT read if any of these things trigger you !!!

Dan arrives at school the next day with a genuine smile and a joyful skip to his walk. He gets to his locker and starts to put his books away when a hand taps his shoulder. Dan turns around to meet someone who stole the smile off his face. Jeremy, someone Dan has known his whole life, was standing behind him with a scary scowl on his face.

"Hey Dan, how are you today?" Jeremy asks, but before Dan can respond he speaks again, "Feeling pretty gay aren't you? You're fucking disgusting Howell. In fact, can you just shut the fuck up for one day? You're so fucking annoying you faggot."

Dan held his head down, hiding his face so Jeremy doesn't see salty tears slipping down his cheeks to his chin. Jeremy laughs as he pushes Dan into the lockers before walking towards his group of friends. Dan picks himself up from the floor. A stinging pain eases its way throughout Dan's shoulder blade. He quickly closes his locker and makes his way to the one bathroom in the whole block that no one uses. Dan opens the door, closing and locking it once inside. At this point in time Dan breaks into a heavy sob, clutching his hand over his mouth to try and stop it. A seconds go by before Dan uncovers his mouth, knowing in the back of his mind that it doesn't help the slightest bit. He clutches his stomach as he falls onto the floor.

After almost two class periods, Dan is finally stable enough to walk home. He walks up to the front door and stops to breathe for a minute. His mom is going to question why he's home and probably yell at him for ditching school. Dan steps back from the front door and walks to the side of his house to get in from there. The way into his room from this way was a very sketchy climb up a tree and a three foot gap between the window and the tree. Sighing, he takes the first branch into his hand and another and another until he's level with the window. He was lucky that he kept his window open today. Dan places his foot on the ledge and holds onto the wall as he pulls the rest of his body through the window. Carefully setting his backpack down, he slumped onto his bed, tears threatening to fall. Many people would say he's overreacting, but they don't know the whole story about Jeremy.

.:Flashback:.

A/N: Dan is like 13 in this chapter

Jeremy! Don't tackle me, I told you I don't like it!" Dan giggled, trying to push his best friend off of him. Jeremy stopped eventually, but stayed straddling Dan's stomach. Dan propped himself up so he was resting on his arm. Jeremy stared into Dan's brown eyes, admiring how they had flecks of yellow throughout them. Dan stared back at Jeremy's green eyes. A mixture of greens, yellows, and blue spots which made Dan lose himself every time time they were in sight. Without realizing it, Dan leaned forward and pressed his lips against Jeremy's soft ones. His best friend kissed back softly, not really sure what he was doing because he'd never kissed anyone before. Dan smiled into their kiss before he pulled back, glancing up at Jeremy. His face was flushed a deep shade of crimson red and his pupils took up most of his green eyes.

"Dan I..." Jeremy said, quickly getting off of Dan, "That w-wasn't right, I'm sorry, but I need to go now."

"What no Jeremy, liking boys isn't wrong. Who told you that?" Dan frantically asked, trying not to cry.

"My dad told me. He's right you know. Being gay is gross and just not okay. It'd be best if we didn't talk about this," Jeremy explained as he put on his shoes, not bothering to tie the laces.

"Jeremy please don't go," Dan pleaded, tears now streaming down his face. He reached out and took hold of his arm.

"Dan don't fucking touch me! You're disgusting and I never want to speak to you again!" Jeremy yelled, pulling his arm away, running out of Dan's room.

As soon as the door slammed closed, Dan broke out into a sob.

Dan didn't know at the time that Jeremy would really stop talking to him, let alone bully him. Dan let the tears run down his face. He was crying uncontrollably now, breathing heavily with his hands covering his face. Dan was trying to be as quiet as possible so his mom wouldn't hear him.

A/N: if the text is like this 'dan howell' that is going to be how i write dan's thoughts. okay carry on with the story !!

Trigger Warning: !!!! depressing thoughts and self harm !!!!

'Dan'

"Not n-now p-please"

'Dan you should do it'

"N-no I don't w-want-t to"

'No one would care'

"Th-that's not true"

'If it wasn't true then why did Jeremy leave that day. You're disgusting Dan. No one would even miss you if you were gone'

Dan's tears start to drip from his chin to his jeans.

'You should go pay your little friend in your bathroom a little visit. It's getting very lonely'

"No I'm two weeks clean. I'm doing s-so good."

'Too bad'

Dan shakily gets up and makes his way into his bathroom, locking the door behind him. His hands go for his drawer and finds what his mind wants him to 'visit.'

'Do it Dan.'

"Do I have to"

'Yes'

"O-okay"

Dan pulls up his sleeve and brushes his finger across the scars that were mostly faded. He sighs and brings his shaky hands up, pressing the sharp blade against his skin. Closing his eyes, he makes the first cut. I starts to bleed a little bit, but not enough for his mind to be satisfied. He makes another one, deeper this time. Blood slowly drips down his arm.

'Not good enough'

Dan cries harder and makes a cut deeper than he ever has. His screams fill the room as he drops the blade on the floor. Blood drips from his arm to the floor. Dan lays down on the floor and closes his eyes, not wanting to watch his blood pool on the floor as it slowly gets bigger. Soon he doses off into a light slumber, dreaming of one day being a happy boy just like everyone else.

A/N: SO this is the end of the chapter. If any of y'all care, I made a floor plan of how I imagine Dan's room to be.