Dirty Little Secret | l.h

Prologue- Incapable

Here, in this same little bedroom, is where we stayed. We were always here, considering he completely refused to go anywhere else. And I knew why, but I'd never really let on that I did, because I didn't figure it was worth it to lose everything, including him. Look where that got me, alone and sobbing on my floor wishing that I was anyone but myself, or that he wasn't the way he was. Sick, isn't it, how in such a short amount of time someone you thought you knew becomes just the opposite of that; someone you don't know in the slightest.

There's this one quote that keeps running through my head, "Everything I loved, become everything I lost.", it seems to make so much more sense now. Yet, I have to ask myself, did I love him? And if so, do I still love him even after everything that happened? I think that's the problem with love- everyone defines it differently. To me, it is knowing that that person has flaws, but they don't even seem like flaws to you, because every inch of that person is beautiful in your eyes. It is putting their each and every need before your own, no matter the pain it causes you. And I did just that.

So I guess that answers the first question, I did love him, but does that mean I still love him? The amount of times I think about his smile in a day would suggest that I do, but I've never been one to forgive easily. Even if I wanted to forgive him, which I don't, it would take an extremely long time, time that I can't get back. I refuse to give him another second. The problem is, I can feel my everlasting fear creeping back in, a fear that he managed to subside, and now that he's gone it seems more prevalent than ever.

Autophobia- the fear of being alone. I remember being a little girl and worrying that my knight in shining armor would never come. As I got older and the world got crueler, I started questioning who could love me? I had no traits anyone could love, though I didn't exactly think of myself as ugly, I didn't want someone to marry me just for my face. At some point, I became desperate. I didn't have to be married, I just needed someone who loved me, like a good friend or even a family member. I just didn't want to be alone.

I know my mother won't let me stay here long. I mean, I'm still in high school, but she's practically pushing me out the door. I didn't expect to stay here forever, but graduating means moving and moving means, you guessed it, being alone. Except, with him it didn't. He promised we could get a nice apartment together, figure out our lives, watch each other succeed and be happy. Seems like a shout into the void now.

I can hear someone repeatedly calling my name, but I don't have the strength or the willpower to move from my spot on the floor. Why is this taking such a toll on me and, more importantly, why is it not affecting him at all? Setting aside everything else, I thought we had a pretty good friendship. Did I really mean that little to him? Lately, it seems like I'm not sure of anything. My mind feels foggy and processing even the simplest of thoughts takes longer than it should.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely positive about, it's that Luke Hemmings is incapable of love, but that doesn't mean I am.

(ok so i tried to make this as long as possible but keep in mind it is just a prologue which btw that means from now on until i say so, everything else will be like a flashback. but yea i hope you guys like it so far and if you do please vote and comment so i know whether to continue it or not (: -tabby)