Star Trek One-Shots!!

3. The Hottest Girl [McSpork]

This is a McSpork one-shot~ :3 I love the idea for this one. Kirk and Bones get totally smashed, forewarning, so mind-to-mouth filters are basically nonexistent, just FYI. xD

This one's also really short. I guess kinda like a drabble??? Only not really fluffy. I'll write another long one soon, I promise!!! (long and sad, actually...hehehehe >:D)

*

They were only on their second drink before they began arguing over which girl was the hottest.

"Tha' cute li'l blondie over there!" Kirk slurred, pointing, his finger shaking wildly.

Bones frowned. "Nope. I think that girl over there...." He pointed to a green-skinned girl wearing practically nothing.

Kirk nodded. "She's pretty hot. But wha' abou' that girl...."

Spock took a sip of his water and tried not to listen in to their illogical conversation.

He honestly had no idea why he had let them drag him out to this bar, really. He was a being of sound reasoning and logic. He did not feel emotions (well, that's what he told himself...). He had no need to drink and dull that reasoning and logic or tempt emotions to show themselves. So why had he let Kirk and McCoy drag him to this place, especially since this was their only day on-land before the ship finished refueling and they set off again? He could be in a library. He could be observing humans perform their illogical rituals. He could be reporting to higher command. He could be meditating in the quiet of a hotel room a safe distance from a certain noisy captain. And yet he had let himself be dragged here.

Spock sighed slightly into his water and tried to weigh the pros and cons of dragging them both out now.

He risked the both of them trying to fight him, but really, what could they do to him that he couldn't outsmart, especially when they were both so severely intoxicated? Surely they would be nothing more than...what was that human bug? Gnats. Yes, gnats.

And regardless of whether he dragged them out now or waited until they passed out, there would be groaning about hangovers to deal with. Spock really didn't understand humans. Why would one drink something like that for a short time of pleasure when one would later have to deal with the much-magnified painful consequences? It just didn't make sense. It was completely illogical!

Bones pointed out a girl that looked particularly like Uhura (if Uhura wore such revealing clothing, which she didn't—Spock would know, having courted her briefly), and Kirk began comparing the girl with Uhura.

At last, when the two were comparing the girl's breast size to that of Uhura, Spock figured he had best step in.

"Captain, Doctor," he said to them stiffly, "I think it would be best that we left now, while it is early in the evening." He paused. "In addition, you both have already consumed more alcohol than that is permitted, being that we will be piloting a starship tomorrow. You will no doubt face the consequences tomorrow, so you would do well to begin dealing with them sooner rather than later."

(Indeed, the two would have major hangovers tomorrow.)

Kirk and McCoy looked at Spock, as if realizing that hey, he was here, too.

"Jim, screw all the girls here," Bones said, looking at Spock with new eyes.

"Gladly," Kirk snickered.

"No, forget 'em all!" the doc gasped. "Who needs 'em when we have good ol' Spock here?"

Spock's lips pressed even more tightly in a line. Maybe he would have to drag them out, after all...the alcohol seemed to have made them ignore his sound logic (although they usually did that, honestly...).

Kirk looked at Spock and whistled. "I'll be." He got extremely close to the Vulcan's face.

Spock leaned away. "Kindly remove yourself from my face, Captain."

"Call me Jim, Spock." He got even closer, and now McCoy was doing the same.

"So what if the girls here are hot," Kirk continued. "We got ourselves the bes' catch here! We got the hottest one 'ere!"

"I ask that you refrain from referring to me with terms such as that," Spock said, inwardly wondering if they were (hopefully unintentionally) calling him a woman. He supposed he should probably be offended by that, but he was Vulcan. Vulcans did not get offended—offense was another illogical emotion—nor did they get annoyed...although these two certainly tested that one quite frequently.

Kirk and Bones shared a look that, Spock figured, humans might refer to as a "heated" one. They grinned at each other, then each grabbed one of Spock's arms, dragging him off to who-knows-where (probably one of the rooms in the back of the club, Spock supposed, judging from where the conversation had been going. and he honestly had no idea how he felt about that).

"Jim," Spock said calmly as he was being dragged off to the back, "how many drinks did you two have before this?"

"Two," Kirk answered cheerfully.

"Hmm...," Spock mused aloud, planning to add this new information to his previously-collected data on the subject once they finished up with whatever Kirk and McCoy had planned this time. "That's two less than last time...."

*

Alternate Ending: A surprisingly wasted Spock interrupts Kirk and Bones' argument about which girl is hotter, saying that Spock himself is the hottest girl there. The two sober up, flabbergasted, and try to admit him to a mental hospital. xD (seriously if anyone wants to write that have fun :3)

...I tried harder to make Spock in-character this time, but in the process, I think I screwed up the other two...ah, who cares. They're both drunk. I'm sure even the quietest person changes completely when drunk, so maybe that can be my excuse for them being a bit OOC....

I hope you enjoyed reading this! I certainly enjoyed writing it! >:3 MUAHAHAHAHA