Forever and Always

Chapter 42

April's POV:

I packed my bags. It was Sunday, both Troy and I decided that this maybe wasn't such a good idea. It was fun at first, but I couldn't stop thinking about Harry, and I really did weird out Troy when I was giving him a blow job. That night was our last night together, it was nice, but awkward because of the events earlier that day. I was okay, but glad that we would go back to friends now.

I felt terrible. Troy thought I was crazy, and I realized that it was a visiting day, and I didn't go visit Harry. He's probably sitting in his cell all sad because I didn't come. How on earth am I suppose to forgive myself for that? I promised him I would come every time, and I've already broken it. All because of this stupid thing with Troy. What ever made us think this would end well? It was stupid and now the two boys in my life, the two people I really care about, hate me probably. 

I also hate myself quite a bit right now. I was an idiot cheating on Harry like this, and also for giving in to Troy. I'm so weak, I could barely go three months without breaking one of promises to Harry, and now I've broken two. I hope Harry will be okay, he won't, I know he won't. He's not a calm guy, this act won't slide with him. When I go to the next visiting day he'll ask about it, and what will I say then? 'Harry I cheated on you with Troy, I'm so sorry'. Hell no, he'll explode, but I can't lie to him either. Harry will be able to tell, plus the guilt will kill me.

I stood by the door, Troy behind me. "I'm sorry." I say. All my friend wanted was one weekend with me, and I couldn't do that for him. I can't do anything for him. I couldn't save Claire, and now I couldn't stop thinking about Harry. I even have my ring on right now.

"I'm sorry too, this was a stupid idea." he said, I nodded.

"It sounded pretty nice, but.." I was cut off by Troy softly kissing me, for one last time.

"You know we can try again. Everyone gets in a fight, we'll be okay, we can try this weekend thing again." he says, pressing his forehead against mine, kissing me one again, this time a little harder.

"You know I can't," I want to so badly. I want to have one weekend with him, but I can't get Harry out of my mind.

"Please try, we can try maybe in a few weeks."

"Maybe." I say kissing him, and then leaving without another word. I got a taxi back to the dorms. I was dropped off, and I stood in front for a few moments. Not sure why I was standing there, but for some reason I couldn't figure out how to walk towards the doors. For the first time in a while I felt completely destroied. I thought that feeling was finally gone, but now it's back, and I don't know how long it will last this time. 

I sighed, and took one step forward, then another, then I stopped again. Still not able to figure out why this was so hard. Why my life was so hard. All this drama, it was like junior high all over again, except worse. This terrible feeling that I have. It's nothing, I feel nothing, yet at the same time I feel everything. It's complicated, something I can't describe very well. 

Another few steps forward, then I stop once again. People have passed me, they don't ask what I'm doing. It's like they know what I've done, and what I'm thinking. So they just pass and allow me to be. Someone stood in front of me, their mouth was moving, but I couldn't hear them. They were blurry, like my vision had suddenly gone, and I couldn't hear, nor speak to them. They soon left, and I took another few steps forward. I was almost to the door.

What would I do when I got to the door? How long would I stand there? Then what would I do? 

A couple more steps, I was now at the door. I lifted my hand slowly up, and pushed the door open, and took a fe steps, then closed it. I stopped walking again, and stood in the lobby. More people passed me, not many paying attention to me still, or maybe they were and I just didn't notice. 

I was finally making my way up the stairs, taking each step one at a time, slowly, and stopping each flight. Not really thinking because my mind way mostly blank. I was finally to my floor, and slowly walked my way down the hall to my dorm room. I made it so far, and now I was stuck again. Standing in front of my dorm, the green of the door, and the gold number was soothing. I didn't reach up for the knob, for some reason I couldn't do it. As if when I turned it everything would be over. I wasn't sure exactly what would be over, but for some reason turning the knob and stepping into my dorm was a bad thing. Something  I needed to run away from. I couldn't move my feet, nor lift my hand, so I was stuck. 

"April? Are you okay?" I recognized Macy's voice, the voice I've heard since I left Troy's. I turned my head, able to see her, along with her baby girl, who she named Quinn. I haven't talked to her in a while, mainly because her and all my friend's were against me and Harry, I wonder what they do if they found out about what Troy and I were doing this weekend.

I still couldn't talk, and I didin't move my head. I kept my eyes on the baby. Fascinated with it.

"April? Wake up. What the hell is wrong with you?" Macy shook me, I shook my head, finally waking up. I looked at the door again, and lifted my hand, turning the door knob. My legs then went week, Daisy caught me with her free arm. "Oh my god, are you okay?" Macy asked, I shook my head. My mouth was now too dry to respond with words. She helped me into my dorm and helped me over to the couch. 

Luckily Courtney wasn't here. She put Quinn down on the floor, I watched her go over to the kitchen table, and she began cooking. She soon brought back some soup, I ate it quickly, realizing that I hadn't eaten anything for the past couple of days.

"Can you please explain to me what the hell was going on with you out there?" she sat down on the floor with her baby.

"I'm not really sure myself." there was that, and the fact I couldn't tell Macy. "You'd hate me for what I've done."

Macy sighed. "I know we've all been pretty hard on you since Harry was put in prison, but we're just worried about you. You can tell us anything, we won't judge. I'll invite the other girls over. You look like you need a night with your friends." I nodded, soon enough the other three girls were over, Courtney would be here in a few more minutes. We all sat around, all of them waiting for me to explain my weird behavior.

I explained to them my weekend with Troy. They were horrified, and how amazing it was, but how I couldn't stop thinking about harry, and how I missed a visiting day, and that's why I was acting so weird. All these emotions were destroying me, and at times I forogt how to respond to things, simple things like talking and walking. They nodded along as I went on. After finishing they were silent. I couldn't really read thier expressions, but I could tell they weren't mad at me, which was good.

"I used to have that empty feeling, when I would drink a lot, I would just sit in bed. Looking up at the ceiling, I don't think I even blinked at times." Stephanie said.

"I'd do that a lot too, I was so terrified of being a mother that sometimes I wouldn't even get out of bed. Everything is fine now, trust me, things will get better. It did for all of us, even for Claire, and it will for you too. It's just taking a little longer." Macy said, I nodded.

"Can we please talk about something positive!" Daisy said, she was engaged to her boyfriend, her wedding soon after graduation, a little after Macy's. Wow, three of us would be married, in ten years that will be me too. 

"Do you two have any boyfriends?" I asked, turning my head towards Tracy and Stephanie. 

"Nope, Tracy does." Stephanie said, giggling a little. 

"Yeah, I do, we've only been dating for 2 months." Tracy said,

"Two months! And you haven't told us besides Steph!" Daisy exclaimed, I smiled a little. This was like old times, and it felt nice laughing with my friends again. 

"Sorry, I'll have to bring him over soon."

We sat there for a while just talking like we used to. Except one of us were missing, we try to ignore that, but it was sometimes hard since she was lively. We went out bowling and then came back to the dorms, finding that there was a party going on. I haven't gone to one of the college parties in a while, partly because I became really sensitive to the drugs around. But that night I decided to try most of them, it was the most fun I've had in a long time.

A/N:

Oh no not April too! Anyway I hope you all liked it, it was kind of depressing I know, sorry. Please comment, vote, and share with your friends! It'd mean a lot to me!