RESPONSABILITY RAIN

IX

For the two weeks after his first and only visit, he didn't call, he didn't write. He could as well have been dead. Lucy had no sunlight to brighten up her days. She would walk around the prison like a soulless zombie, forgetting to eat, unable to sleep, only thinking about him. What if she had lost him? She began to think he wasn't real. She was getting crazy. The day she got up the nerve to call him, he answered the phone with a sleepy voice.

"What now?" he asked and the butterflies that were in Lucy's stomach dropped. She understood that maybe it was a mistake. She shouldn't have called. He was living his life, without her, and he needed time to figure out what he wanted to do. She couldn't force him to make any decisions.

"Nothing. Just wanted to hear how you were doing." She replied and was tempted to hang up. "I'm sorry." she said. "I know you weren't ready, I think I wasn't either. This wasn't a good idea."

Tyler scoffed and hung up on her. She spent that night crying.

The days went by and a week later, he called. He sounded cold but something lit up inside her again. Her eyes were joyful again, just for the moment of the phone call.

"Call me tomorrow. Please." He'd said. Lucy was practically levitating because she was feeling so light. One of her bunkmates, Maria, gave her advice on how talk to him and make him call again. They giggled through the night.

The weeks passed. Tyler would start to call every day. He sounded a little distant on the first days, but he couldn't keep on resisting Lucy forever. On a sunny day of May, his call lasted a little longer than usual.

"Lucy, I think we can do this. I think I'm ready to believe you and to forgive you. I think I'm ready to come again." He declared and Lucy cried tears of joy.

That day, she talked about Tyler to her bunk mates for an hour, as they all listened, probably just to be polite, and she felt happy again.

The day of his visit, Lucy had washed her hair and gotten contraband lipstick from some inmate who smuggled stuff in. She looked at herself in the bathroom's mirror, her red lips smiled and she thought she was pretty. Orange wasn't a flattering color on her, at all, but she'd go with it. What other choice did she have?

The visit went well. All of the others went, too. Lucy though that maybe, just maybe, their relationship wasn't completely sinking. Maybe they could still work it out. She went to sleep feeling light-hearted and happy, every night, thinking about visit-day.

A month later, Maria was yet again holding Lucy's hair as she was throwing up in the toilet.

"Are you sure you're okay? This is not the first time it's happened, this week. You may be sick." Said Maria, worriedly. "Let's see what the other girls think about it."

Back at the bunk, Lucy explained her symptoms to Mrs. White, an older woman who used to be a doctor, and was imprisoned for dealing prescription drugs. She smiled softly and put her hand on Lucy's stomach. All the girls were silent. Happiness was floating around in the bunk.

"You're not sick. You're pregnant." Said Mrs. White.

Lucy smiled widely and covered her mouth with her hands. She looked down at her belly and touched it carefully. She thought about Tyler, she thought about what he meant for her and she thought that she was happy. She wanted to tell him in person, not by phone. She'd wait for his next visit.

For the whole week, she couldn't stay in place, she was so excited about the news of her pregnancy. When Friday, the visits' day, came, she was jumping around in her bunk and the other inmates were having none of it.

"Just go somewhere else to work out!"

Tyler was going to be so happy! The baby and he were the only things keeping her alive. As much as the other inmates were nice to her, she could never imagine living in that place without knowing that she'd see him and the wrinkle between his eyebrows on Friday. She never wanted to go back to the way she was when he took time to figure things out. She was no better than a vegetable, walking around, nothing in mind but the subject of her addiction: Tyler.

When she arrived to the visits' room, Tyler was sitting at their usual table, looking through the window, pensive. She sat down in front of him and could barely contain her joy, but she wanted the news to be a surprise. She did everything to keep a straight face. Tyler's glare met hers and he smiled a little. When she talked about her day, the wrinkle wasn't there. Maybe he had a bad day, Lucy thought. She was sure that what she was about to tell him would cheer him up but the moment she opened her mouth to announce him the news, smiling, he stopped her with a hand gesture.

He looked grave and serious, almost sad and maybe sorry. What had he done? What was up? She wanted to ask him but she knew him so well, and in times like these, it was better if he let out what he had on his chest. Without her asking anything.

She pulled back, ready to listen to him talk about his day. She wanted to say that she was sorry not to have let him talk before. She wanted to say, go ahead, tell me. She wanted to say: "something's wrong."

Something was indeed wrong. He looked down, looked back at her, stared at his fingers on the table in silence. He had a lump in his throat. He had to tell her, and how could he not, when she made talking to her so easy? He just couldn't take it anymore. He thought he could make it and he was wrong. He opened his mouth and avoided her eyes. He felt like a coward. Maybe he indeed was a coward, he wasn't sure.

"I'm breaking up with you."

Lucy's heart dropped. She blinked a couple of times and searched for his eyes but he clearly didn't want to look at her. So, it was going to end this way, after all they had been through? He didn't say goodbye, he didn't apologize. Should he? Should she? Her world had just come crashing down. He got up and left, didn't look back. There he was, leaving, the only boy she ever loved, the only reason she put up with prison. There he was, making his exit out of the place she was never going to leave. Without him, she was nothing. She knew she couldn't let him be so important to her but she couldn't control it. She felt excruciating pain in her heart; It had just broke. Who would fix it again?

He stepped outside, got into his car and smiled like it was nothing, like he had just completed a complicated task. Lucy was an accomplished mission. He drove away and she felt like he drove over her.

Without realizing, she put her hand on her stomach and stared into emptiness as a tear rolled down her cheek.

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