RESPONSABILITY RAIN

I

The mirror was dirty and broken.

"Nothing is worth it anymore." she whispered to her reflection in the dark bathroom. Her phone lit up and she looked at the screen.

From Tyler: Still up for coffee? :)

"I don't know, Tyler, you tell me. Are you still up for me?"

She jumped from the toilet seat to the floor and her bare feet felt cold. She turned the lights on and stared at her tired eyes, her tired smile and her tired greasy hair. She thought her freckles made her look dirty, like dust on her skin.

She undressed herself and stepped in the shower. The cold water poured on her naked skin for long silent minutes. She felt shivers down her spine. When she came out and dried her hair, she didn't feel clean at all.

She thought that she'd be a filthy person forever, now, no matter how many showers she'd take.

The street was busy as usual. She'd texted Tyler back, they were meeting at the Downtown Café in ten minutes. It was the first time she was getting out of her apartment in a week. That morning's shower was also the first she'd taken since last Friday, and the clean clothes she put on as well. Walking in New York felt odd, as if she was out of place.

She'd told herself to continue to live normally, that if she didn't, people would get suspicious. But how was she supposed to live normally after what she'd done? And she didn't even take responsibility for her actions. She walked past a vitrine and insulted herself in the reflection.

"You, coward." she spat.

Why do mirrors even exist? Why do I even exist? She would ask herself during the trip to the café.

Downtown Café was really calm as always. Tyler was sitting in the back of the place, next to the checkout. He was reading the newspaper. He looked so calm, she thought. How would he react if she told him her secret? She shook her head to make those thoughts go away and took a step in the direction of the boy, smiling.

"Hi!" she said with a chuckle. "Hope you didn't wait too long."

His expression lit up as he looked at her. He had a pretty square face, a big nose and his pale skin was glowing. He had a bright smile, plump lips and extremely cute dimples. He'd get this wrinkle in between his bushy eyebrows when he'd get concentrated or interested and his dark eyes would spark when she'd smile. Tyler got up to hug her.

They'd been seeing each other for a month or so, it was nothing official but it was definitely something that made them both happy. They would go on random dates with each other in between their work shifts and on weekends. He was planning on taking her to the sea because she'd never seen the ocean. A mutual friend of theirs introduced them to each other at a party (not the most original way to meet new people, really), and they got along very well that night. He thought she was breathtakingly interesting. She thought he was too.

For a brief moment, she forgot all about her sorrows – he had that effect on her – but as he ordered croissants and coffees, everything came up again.

Tyler smiled to the waitress politely as she walked away with their order. He crossed his fingers with hers and looked deep into her eyes. He stared at her in silence and she didn't turn away. There it was, the wrinkle between his eyebrows.

"Something's wrong." he declared and pulled away.

Lucy looked down and sat straight in her chair. She opened her mouth but didn't say anything. She knew she couldn't spill. But how could she not tell him when he made talking to him so easy? She frowned and thought about it for a moment.

"I get these...dreams." she said after a minute, softly. "They're nightmares, actually."

Tyler nodded and encouraged her to continue.

"They're terrifying. They keep me up at night and they make me paranoid during the day. They make me feel bad about myself, and..." Lucy paused. "They feel so real." she said, finishing her sentence in a whisper.

"Wanna talk about them?"

Lucy shook her head. Tyler's legs touched hers and he tried to comfort her.

"They're only dreams. They can't hurt you." he said with a tone of voice he wanted to sound comforting.

"But they've hurt others." she told him with a sad smile. He looked confused and she brushed it away with a hand gesture. "You know what? Let's not talk about that, what have you been up to this week?"

They ate their croissants and they drank their coffees but Lucy did not feel any better.

The night was still young when Tyler waved goodbye to her. Her cheek was burning in the spot his lips had touched. She felt like she was living her teenage years all over again with him: their shy puppy love, all of the awkward flirting and the butterflies in her stomach whenever they were together. Her heart was pounding as he walked away, a bright smile on his lips.