before i start yes that is a picture of my sister with kittens
okay so anyways
i would like to complain about myself for a while
so i'm overall just a really big jerk
like i have anxiety (not self diagnosed, i promise) so i'm supposed to be understanding about mental illnesses or whatever
but i'm just really not
like i can't be like "awww i'm so sorry that you have to go through these awful things", i'm more like "stfu and stop whining about how much you want to die, idc if you have depression you have literally no reason to die. you have a good life or at least a decent one and even then having a bad life doesn't mean you can kill yourself because you're literally like 13 dude you haven't even started life yet so stop fucking complaining and learn to buck up"
i'm an awful person, okay?
and then like the poor people with mental problems like autism and mental retardation (not like "lol ur retarded" i mean like actual people)
i'm so sorry
i have zero patience for anyone
i hate children and i hate people who act like children
so when i see adults or even teenagers acting like 5 year olds
i just lose it
i have zero patience, even for the people who can't handle it
i just kind of get angry and i'm like "okay just stop" or i distance myself from them
unless they're part of my family then i guess i have a little more sympathy somehow?
like i have an autistic cousin and i'm really patient with him
idk
and it really doesn't help that all of my friends (or at least most of them) have depression because i'm really just not sympathetic for people with depression
i try to be, i try so hard but i just can't be because i don't understand it
i don't understand how you could possibly want to die so i just can't feel sympathy for you, it's impossible
and it's not like i'm some spoiled privileged white person, there's been some really messed up stuff that's happened in my life
i've been abused both verbally and physically, i've had to go through like five different households in three months (this was back in like november-january), i've had to deal with a ton of changes, i have bad anxiety, i have to deal with my family having a really small amount of money, and i just have a really hard time making friends
but i have never in my entire life ever wanted to die
i've said i had, but i never actually meant it
so when people say they want to die or they want it all to end and they actually mean it
i just can't understand why or how they would want to die
so i can't be sympathetic and patient with them
i can only become frustrated and annoyed
and that's not okay
