those days

her

you know when you just see someone, and you just think to yourself where have you been all this time? that was me with Ashley

right from the minute she held the door open for me, on the first day of honors band, i knew she was it

my first girlfriend

my first love

my first heartbreak

my first ex

my first kiss

in the next months i stared at her. i didn't say hi, just made eye contact. when i finally got the courage to, it was crushed by my mom.

she asked if i was gay

if i was supposed to be that way

i told her i was, she took my phone away

It's still this way

i broke up with Ashley after being with her for a year

i couldn't take the hospitalizations for being myself, for not being able to see my girlfriend

how can i live in a world where i'm not aloud to be open

how can i live in a world where i have no voice

how

how

how can i do this

i would rather die than be who i am

i would rather die than have to face my parents

to tell them the news

they deep down know

to tell them "i'm gay" and "it's not something you just choose"

she keeps me warm

she used to keep me warm

i used to be warm

now i'm cold like the sun, and i know what you're saying, sarah, the sun is fucking warm where are you

i mean the other part of the sun

you know, the one that nobody sees, the part of the sun that is mourning

i mourn for my life

i mourn for my voice

i mourn for my soul