those days

disease

my disease is something that everyone knows about

i'm the girl with celiacs disease, i'm the girl that has the heart condition

i'm the girl with the blood issue, i'm that girl. i'm the girl that has to be careful about what she eats, always asking "is there gluten in this?" never being able to share food or go out to a bakery with friends, being terrified of gluten every day of my life.

i've been sick for awhile, there always seems to be something wrong with me. you know you're sick when you can't move, when you feel like death, when there's that split second where you ask what would happen if i wasn't? 

did i even make a sound? it's like i never made a sound, like i'm always looking in at everything 

i'm looking through the window, waiting for something to look, waving around furiously. waiting for someone to come to me, to wave back at me. wanting someone to help me, tell me i'm not my disease. 

one day i hope i can just eat gluten, but i know that's not true, it's too severe. one day i hope i can run like everyone else. one day i hope i don't have to worry about getting cancer or if i'll get sick on a roadtrip. 

i hope.