home // l.h. // book 4

i missed you

2:15 am | apartment b16 | North Carolina | September 26

mikey,
i can't sleep. it's become such a distant thing for me and i don't know how to fix it. luke fell asleep at least three hours ago and i am wide awake. i feel awful for ruining his day yesterday. my anxiety hasn't been a problem in so long, yet the circumstances point otherwise. i wish ash wouldn't have left so soon. he was really all i had. of course there was michael, but it just wasn't meant to be. there was no love. and luke. god if only luke and i stayed friends, maybe i wouldn't be such a wreck. who knows, luna. maybe if he didn't leave it wouldn't have fucked everything up.
lindy.

i sighed as i ran my fingers through my hair and looked at sleeping luke. he looked so peaceful; probably because my music wasn't blaring. we watched movies for at least four hours before he fell asleep, so i shut the tv off and tried to sleep, but i couldn't. every time i do sleep, i wake up screaming. my nightmares have gotten bad. i have been calling my mom every night and i feel awful for waking her up at three in the morning.

i sighed quietly before standing from the couch and going to my kitchen. there's absolutely no reason for me to be in here, but it's become a habit to distract myself. distract myself from what exactly, i haven't quite figured out. maybe from my endless thoughts or restless nights or horrifying nightmares.

i sauntered back into the living room and pulled a blanket up to my chin. it was now three a.m. and i knew sleep wasn't anywhere in the near future. so, i glanced at luke and his eyes were still tightly closed and turned on the tv. sometimes it helped me sleep, sometimes it kept me wide awake.

luckily, it helped me sleep.

my breathing was heavy and my feet were glued to the floor. his breath was on my face and his eyes were pooled with tears. he was here, he's standing right there. so close i can touch him, but i can't. i am too afraid that if i do, he'll disappear.

his eyes were sad as they blazed into mine and his lips chapped.

"lindy." he smiled, a tear falling on his cheek. i caressed his face.

i smiled back. "hi. i missed you."

tears continued to roll down his cheeks and i didn't know how to make them stop. i hugged him and i wiped them away, but they just kept rolling.

"lindy, why didn't you help me?" he sobbed, before stepping away and then i saw it; his wrists were bloody and scars covered them.

my heart sank and i wanted to scream at him to stop as he continued to drag the blade across his skin.

i woke up screaming and sweaty. luke immediately sat up and i felt hot tears falling down my cheeks. he walked over and sat next to me on the couch. luke sat there quietly for a while, rubbing a hand up and down my back. it was soothing and i was so glad he was here. but then, my stomach filled with guilt and anger all at once.

"why did you leave me?" i blurted. i didn't want to look a luke's expression, but i could tell he was taken aback because his hands stopped moving.

he didn't respond, so i continued to say how i felt. "you left me and i didn't see you or talk to you for the longest time. it's like you fell off the face of the earth and you let me follow you. except i fell in to a dark hole and i was so scared. i had no one, luke. where were you?"

"i-i'm so sorry, lindy. i didn't mean to, i was scared." he breathed.

i looked up at him and i couldn't believe what he was saying. he was scared.

"what do you mean you were scared?! you fucking ran from me that night! and you're the one who's scared? luke i fucking trusted you. i gave you everything and you just left. you left." i explained, whispering the last part.

luke was silent for a while before he took a deep breath and apologized again. i was getting really sick of his apologies. i needed a real explanation.

"stop apologizing luke. please, just explain." i begged.

and he did. he explained why he left and it truly was because he was scared. not of himself, but of me. he was scared that he would lose me and i wouldn't come back to him. he didn't want to get too attached because when he does, they all leave. luke explained his last relationship before something happened between us. it all made sense.

"now i feel like the shitty best friend." i lightly laughed. "i'm sorry for freaking out at you. i was out of line."

"don't be. you made me realize it was time to come clean." luke smiled. god, did i miss that smile.

it was somewhere around six a.m. and i knew i wasn't going back to sleep. so, luke and i sat out on my patio and watched the sunrise. it was like the good old days when we'd be at the lake house.

"do you still have the lake house?" i asked, breaking the silence between us.

"yeah, it got passed on to my father when pops died." luke sighed. "why?"

i shrugged my shoulders and turned back to the sky in front of me. north carolina was so beautiful. everyday i saw something new and it never disappointed. it's only been a few months, but it feels like home.

home. i missed my family so much. but the thing is, i don't know if i can go back home. i practically disappeared after ashton's funeral and i left so much behind. so much so, that i don't know if i want any of it back. i do however, i want to see my mom and dad and calum.

"can i ask you something?" luke asked, pulling me back to reality. i nodded. "what were you dreaming about?"

i took a deep breath. "i dreamt that i went to a party and i couldn't move but ashton was there. it was so nice to see him, but then he kept asking me why i didn't help him and we both cried. ashton kept crying and i did too and then he stepped away and his wrists were bloody. and he wouldn't stop-"

my voice cracked at the end and i shifted my focus away from luke. i opened my eyes as i felt luke's hand in mine. he gave me a small smile and i returned it. it was silent between us, and it gave me a chance to look at him. he really was beautiful. his eyes were like the ocean and the stubble on his chin made him look handsome. my eyes traveled to his lips. i remember the taste of them even though it was so long ago. i also remember how soft they were against my own.

i caught his eye and i realized that he was looking at my own lips.

"kiss me." he whispered as our heads leaned for each others touch.

his lips were as soft as i remembered and god, did it feel so good to kiss him. i missed him so much. he deepened the kiss and i grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me. we pulled back and he leaned his forehead on mine.

"i missed you." i breathed.

"i missed you more." luke responded.

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awe what cutie cutes
EDITED