The Secret Life of Katherine James

Chapter XIII

We were walking in the parking lot and, as I hung up the phone, I could feel David watching me, worried, out of the corner of his eye. I wiped the tears away and looked away. I'd embarrassed myself in front of him enough with my tears.

"You don't have to do that." I saw a small smile play across his lips and I could feel the kindness in his words. "I'm not judging you." I saw him look away as we walked when I didn't return his smile, trying to give me some privacy.

"Do what?" I asked, stalling again. I couldn't bring myself to let him inside my head. Why did it always feel like one step forward and two back again?

"Kit. Don't do that to me, okay? We're so beyond that." He was getting frustrated with me, I could tell. I knew he could feel my sudden shift, feel me close myself off.

"I'm sorry. I'm just... not." It was all I could find to say, because I wasn't: I wasn't okay, or ready, or prepared, or comfortable, or strong enough to let him in. I just wasn't. I wasn't anything except maybe broken.

"You're not what?" He asked in a frustrated tone. We were walking towards a silver Chevy Impala that I assumed was the rental car David had ordered.

"I'm not ready, David. I'm working on it but I'm just not there." I answered in a frustrated tone. I was so over myself at this point. I wasn't sure that I even knew what I meant so it wasn't a surprise to me when David looked at me, cocked his head, raised his eyebrow and questioned me.

"Elaborate for me." He stated in a bored, teasing way.

"Don't be a jerk." I shot back, "I'm just not used to having someone in my corner, David. I've gotten used to the dynamic that we've developed over the last two years. I'm gonna have to work on being real with you. Just give me some time, okay?" I said. I was tired, and we'd reached the car. I yanked on the handle seeing if by chance it was unlocked, it wasn't. The door handle snapped out of my hands, and David held back a laugh, looking at me from across the car, raising his eyebrow in a mocking way, and, when he saw the dirty look I gave him, chuckled, shook his head, held up the clicker with exaggerated movement, and clicked the button. The car beeped, signaling that I could get in. I narrowed my eyes at him, and in an icy tone, stated, "Thank you."

I yanked on the door again and it opened smoothly. I climbed in, and slammed the door.

"Do you regret telling me?" As soon as he got into the car and instantly the third degree resumed.

"No. Not for a second." That was an honest answer. I didn't regret it, but I felt awful because I knew that I should, which was the part I kept from him. He could feel that I wasn't being honest.

"Then what is the problem, Kit?" He asked furiously. All of the usual playfulness was gone from his tone.

"David, it's complicated okay? I'm complicated."

"Yeah, believe me I know. Just say it, I'm sure I can keep up."

Suddenly I was furious at him. I knew that that was his play. I knew that he knew that by making me mad, he'd eventually get what he wanted, but I didn't care, and although I knew that was exactly the point of his comment, I carried on anyways. I sat up, turned to look at him, ice in my voice, in my eyes, and in my heart, squared my shoulders, and shot out, "Well for starters, I'm used to lying to you. And I'm used to you pretending not to notice or care." The last part was a poor attempt to hurt his feelings, and it was also a lie. He and I both knew that he never pretended not to notice and he'd never pretend not to care.

He looked at me, called my bluff with his eyes, and then turned away from my gaze. He turned not because of the malice in my tone but to hide his smile. He knew that he'd won, and he knew that I was out of moves. Check mate for me. He put the car in reverse and backed out of the parking space. "You think so do you?" He remarked, laughing in my face now.