Random thoughts about life

Relationships

So let's talk about relationships, yes, that's right, a very touchy topic indeed.

Ok so people might think that even when I am friends with someone ( the only kind of relationship I have other than family), I have my guards up. But that's not true at all!

Its quite the opposite actually, I let myself plunge in way too easily and quickly, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but that contradicts with the whole thing where I don't get hurt. Well, I do, but not like the others do, I guess. Its not something that I manage myself,because that's not possible, and I don't try to be a control freak, where I need to control all my emotions, on the contrary, I let them flow and sometimes I get too hurt and cry.

But then that's the thing, it doesn't last for long, I move on, quicker than anyone anticipates and that's why people sometimes misjudge it for being cold or stone hearted.

But again, it's not something I'm doing voluntarily, it just happens! I get over things( and people), say in maximum 5 days, I know that's not even a week, but that's just who I am and I can't really change that.

I just get over things and people and situations and heartbreak.

Its kind of like a survival thing and I'm grateful for it. Because if I don't have this, then I'll just keep moping around and what's the point of that? The person/ situation that caused my sadness doesn't deserve it anyway.

Sometimes I have to think a million times about my attachment to people, because I always get more attached that the other person is and we all know that it can be disastrous.

But I can't thelp it! Also my timing is never right, I get attached very easily and very fast. I might not even be aware of it so there's no point in backing off after that because before I even know it, I'm in too deep  :(

That's me and a lot of people can't handle that and think I'm heartless but that's so not true.

I love everything and everyone who comes in my way but people don't see that.

Why is it necessary that you only need to have relationships with a few people who are really close to you and to love only them?!

Why can't you love everyone you know?

And why is it necessary that if you're social or have lots of friends that should mean you're attached to none?

I don't get it! At all!

And I don't make sense to people.

But that's ok with me because I don't always have to be sad and if people can't handle my happiness then they don't deserve my time.

I'm telling you the truth there are so many people that I hold close to my heart and the list is so long that you may feel that its all the people I've met in my life.

But I do have the courage to not hold them back.

They probably don't know that I remember them and have each memory and every moment tucked away in a special place and fondly recall it from time to time.

I don't forget people, if I don't remember them by their name, I may only recognise their face, but I do remember them.

Because life isn't that long or that complicated that I forget everything and everyone I've shared it with.

Even if its just some random cleaning staff from my junior school.( I love her btw)

Even as I write 'random' its not so random to me at all.

I just dont feel that anyone, anywhere in the world interacts with so many people thay they forget them one by one.

And I don't mean people whom you just see in public or meet once unless that one conversation had something unique or something that touched you or left and impression.

I mean people who have been in contact with you over a period of time, even though that haven't really talked to you. Like your classmates from junior school or the memory of your first/ last day of school, all your tutors and all your school teachers and all the people you've seen in church or the people in your colony/ neighbourhood.

I don't let go of the memory, but I do let go of the person, physically.

All of this still makes 0 ( zero) sense but that's who I am its a very integral part of me and a very unchangeable part of me.