Yours, Alexis Harding (MAJOR EDITS WILL BEGIN SHORTLY)

Chapter Ten

   

Hayden,

   

   Did I ever tell you what I did my first night in Stockholm?

   Pernilla, one of my oldest friends and the first to take me in, had picked me up from the airport earlier that day. I still remember exactly what she said. She said I looked like one of those stray cats that are stupid enough to cross a highway and get hit by a truck. I lost it. I started by laughing, then blubbering, and slowly transformed into a teary mess.

   The thing about long flights is, it gives you time to think. And boy did I think. My feelings went from betrayed, to heartbroken, to furious, and then landed somewhere in the gray area between all of that.

   After a few hours of ice cream and tears, completely ignoring your existence got harder by the second. Pernilla decided I needed to punch something. I still don't understand how that girl thinks, but it was somehow 10:00pm and we were on our way to a gym a friend's dad owns.

   Turns out, she had a point. Going at night meant we had the whole place to ourselves, which was good considering I was on the verge of another meltdown. She introduced me to Nathalie, who was an absolute doll considering the circumstances, and they took me into the women's changing rooms, turning on the lights as we went.

   The ladies put me in boxing gloves and had me hit a multitude of objects, scream as loud as I want, and at one point even blasted Taylor Swift for me and the three of us screamed the lyrics to the most popular songs of her discography at the top of our lungs.

   Bad Blood featuring Kendrick Lamar always reminds me of that night now. It's more as a funny memory more than anything else. Three girls, boxing gear, rapping like there's no tomorrow. You fill in the mental image.

   At midnight, the soundtrack somehow changed to the Grease soundtrack. We ended up laying on the ground, heads together, the two other girls doing different voices along with Summer Nights, while I had my phone in my hand getting ready to yell at you. All I could come up with was to say fuck you. I kept typing and retyping, but never sending anything.

   My phone beeped.

   "I see you..."

   The girls stopped singing abruptly, noticing the shift in the general mood. I don't know how many minutes passed while I was completely speechless, but you didn't wait any longer for me to reply.

   "Listen, I know you're mad, but just listen to this."

   You sent me a link to a song. I remember Pernilla grabbed my phone and hooked it up to the speaker system and pressed play before I could see what it was. I closed my eyes and listened, it was always lyrical with you.

   The entire song played before anyone said anything. My cheeks were tear stained once again, I hadn't moved an inch.

   "Your guy knows his stuff," Pernilla sighed, almost falling in love with you herself, "I Won't Give up? He got it spot on didn't he?"

   I was stunned silent. She said her goodbye to her friend for us and grabbed my arm and lead the way back to her car.

   Thankfully, she kept talking the entire way back to her apartment so I wouldn't feel guilty for it. She only handed me my phone back when we walked into her living room, "time to talk to him. I'll give you some privacy."

   I listened to the song again, I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. You somehow found the perfect song. It made me even more frustrated with you, with the entire situation.

   "You know what, Hayden?" I typed, "Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you."

   I sent the message, then felt the urge to send more.

   "Fuck you for hurting me, fuck you for not letting me say goodbye, but most of all fuck you for knowing exactly what to say. I'm so in love with you, Hayden. Fuck you for making me fall in love with you."

   You began typing, then disappeared again. A few minutes later, your personalized ringtone flooded the room, your voice telling me it was you, you could hear me laughing while you recorded it, and I answered almost instinctively.

   I didn't say anything, my throat felt constricted, I can almost feel it closing up that same way again right now.

   "Hey, Alexis," you said, your voice sending me off the edge again, "Hey, baby don't cry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

   "You had no right," I mumbled, not quite in control of my voice just yet, "you should have told me."

   "I know."

   We both grew quiet, neither of us said anything for a big chunk of time. Then something clicked and we talked until the sun came up on my side of the world, you said you were sorry again, I told you I forgave you, and we decided to move forward from this together.

   Truth is, looking back now, I should have made it clear I was still hurting. I didn't fully forgive you for that, I still don't, I shouldn't have brushed it under the rug the way I did. Telling you could have saved us from a lot of fights that resulted from that pent up irritation.

   Now here I am, my last day in Hawaii, in another gray area I can't quite define. I'm somewhere between confused and hurt, with a little dash of despondency.

   You texted me while I was asleep. Even though I deleted your contact information months ago, I could recognize your phone number anywhere.

   "Hey."

   Twenty minutes later, another text came through.

   "Sorry, wrong number."

   The timestamps say it was 10:00pm Australian time when the texts arrived. I haven't changed my location yet, but it must have been around 1:00am Hawaiian time. I was definitely asleep by then.

   I don't know how to feel or what to say. I don't think I have a right to feel or say anything, I haven't talked to you in over a year now. But you know what? Fuck you for still having this effect on me.

   

  Alexis.