What's eating you?

Chapter 1

 *Jacky's POV*

Look at you, so fat and ugly. No one will ever love you; you're doomed to spend the rest of your pathetic life alone.

I flinched at the words that jumped wildly inside my head. I stared the ugly chunky pale reflection staring back at me. The person in the mirror was fat and utterly disgusting to me. I pinched the skin on my thighs, I suddenly felt hot bile rise in the back of my throat.

Look at those thunder thighs!

 I casted my gaze away from the mirror, feeling the hot shame burning through me. I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror lately. Every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection, I felt physically sick. It was like I was being haunted by this fat shadow, that wanted to cling on to me and just strangle the life right out of me.

Fatty! Fatty! Jacky is a fatty!

Tears stung the back of my eyes. "Stop it," I whispered. My hair hung in my face. It was long and used to be a soft brunette color, but now a days it's an ugly stringy gray looking brown. I'm too afraid to style it or even fit it into a simple pony tail because it might bring attention to me, and I couldn't have people staring at the fat girl, God do people love to stare at the fat girl. 

What's the matter Jacky? Can't handle the truth?

I shook my head. Of course I couldn't handle the truth, I was such a weak human begin. I couldn't live my life knowing I'm a walking slob. I could see it in the way people look at me, the way there menacing stares burn through me, leaving nothing but a cast of humiliation. I know my belly jiggles when I walk, I know my thighs rub together, I know this, I just wish people would stop staring at me.

Tate will never love you. He's not into fat slobs like you.

"That's not true! Tate loves me," I cried. Tate, the only fleeting  ray of sunshine in such a dark world. 

He is cheating on you Jacky! He doesn't love you!

There was a sinister tone to the voice echoing through my head. She seemed to come out on the worse of days, the days I eat. She's Always point her ugly finger at me, pointing out things that where flawed and lacking in perfection.

He doesn't love you! How can Tate love someone so ugly and fat? He loves Hannah, and you know it.

It felt as if someone had suckered punched me in the gut. Hannah was Tate's ex-girlfriend of 3 years. They broke up close to the end of junior year; that's when I stumbled head over heels for him. I squinted my eyes closed. I couldn't handle looking at myself anymore. I was fat and ugly; there was nothing I could ever do about it.

Fat, ugly, and alone forever.

Deep sobs echoed hollowly inside my chest. I know, I wanted to scream. I know I was ugly, I know there was nothing I could do about it. There was only so much abuse I could handle before I explode. "Stop it!" I slammed my fist violently into the mirror. The mirror fell in snow flaked shards around me, twinkling in the dim lighting.  I left my clenched fist pressed against the empty mirror frame, watching the blood dribble out between my fingers, dripping slowly to the floor. 'Good.' I thought, the less blood in my body, the less I'll weigh.

"Jacky?" My mom's voice was touched with exhaustion. I squinted my eyes closed for a moments, fighting back the remaing tears. The pain in my hand throbbed like I had grabbed a ball of fire, and I was just holding it now.

"Jacky Ann?" My mother's voice was closer, like she was walking down the hallway. The padding of her soft slippers on the floor sounded like the thundering of hooves to me. My head whipped around on my shoulders, looking for anything I could use as a excuse.

"Jacky? Is everything alright in here?" The knocking at the door made me jump, I didn't want my mother to see me in just a bra in underwear. I didn't need her gawking at the huge belly of mine hanging over the hem over my underwear, creating a ugly muffin top.

"Mom don't come in here!" I croaked. I pulled my fist from the wall and stepped back, tip toeing around the shards of glass.

"Jacky, I've seen you naked before." She pushed open the door; the light from the hallway illuminated my dark hell hole.

"Oh God! What happened in here?" Her eyes widen in horror. She covered her mouth with shaky fingers, the now intense light bouncing of the larger pieces of glass sticking out of my carpet. 

I couldn't fight it back anymore. I slumped down to my knees and hung my head low, letting my hair creat a cage around me. I un-clenched my hand and stared at the gaping wound sliced across my palm. Hot tears hurrid themselves forward as my mother rushed toward me.

"Are you alright?" She knelt down beside me, draping her arms around me.

"I was looking for something, and I had my hand leaded up against the mirror and the damn thing broke!" I tried to force a laugh, but the sound that escaped my lips was weak and very pathetic. My mother was staring at me. I felt so exposed, like I needed someone else to see me like this, it was bad enough that I ad to suffer with this image.

Even your own mother looks at you like you're a fat ugly pig! Imagine what she is thinking right now. 

"Let me see your hand," she spoke in a low commanding voice. I carefully unwrapped my hand; my mother pursed her lips into a hard line.

I carefully unfurled my fingers, and felt my mother draw in a sharp breath. " Let's get you to the hospital Jacky, just to make sure it hasn't damaged any tendons or anything. My mother grasp onto my good hand gently and gave it a hard squeeze. She quickly let go, and spun slowly on her heels, her eyes darting around the room. " Just toss on a old t-shirt, I wouldn't want you to stain a shirt you really like." My mother tossed me a old battered t-shirt, covered in signatures of my former friends.

"Keep this tight around your hand, it'll stop the bleeding for now." My mother gently wrapped a old dish towel around my hand, carefully eyeing each of my chubby little fingers.

A deep sickness settled in my stomach. I wanted to tell my mom how sorry I was, for the way I looked, and how she deserved so much better. But of course, I chickened out, just like I always do.