What's eating you?

Chapter 11

~*~*~ Save me. I'm drowning in my scars. I'm choking in my pain. I screaming, but it seems no one can hear me. ~*~*~*~

*Jacky's Pov* 

For the first time in a long time, I was feeling good about myself. After the episode in the bathroom, I went back to dinner with my parents and finished my plate of food. I could feel the strange stares on me, as I pounded back fork full after fork full of noodles and sauce. My dad tried to keep my at the table longer than I needed to be, by asking me about school and Tate. I kept telling him, I had homework to do, since I didn't go to school today because of what happen in front of Coach.

But really I was getting rid of everything inside me. I wouldn't allow myself to gain anymore weight. This was no longer a diet, this was now my life. I rather be skinny and beautiful and be happy, than be fat and ugly and be ashamed of who I am. I am tired of being ashamed of who I am, sick of feeling worthless. I wanted to be beautiful. Eating is a weakness, and I was not weak. I was not going to be a slave to my body any longer.

I felt at peace just laying in my bed. I was no longer worried about having to tell my parents my bed was to small for my body. I no longer needed to use the guest blanket because I was to large for my bed set. Nothing felt better than being thinner.

The loud buzzing of my phone brought me out of my thoughts. I grunted as I rolled to my side and pulled the phone off the night stand. My mirror still wasn't fix, from the night I smashed it. I rubbed the palm of my hand, I still had the stitches in, but it was no longer sore. I slid the green bar over, and unlocked my phone. I had a text message from Tate

"R u okay? I got worried about you after track. Have you eaten?" I smiled at the message. Tate was always asking me if I had eaten anything, or forcing me to have a little snack. I couldn't be mad at him, but something in side me resented him for trying to sabotage my diet.

"Ya, I'm fine. Yes I just ate dinner with mom and dad." I couldn't tell him about what I did after I ate, he would freak and call my family. Then it would really be on with my parents and me.

"Good. I just wanted to wish you a good night, and hopefully see you 2morrow at school. Love you." My heart started to flutter inside my chest. I love Tate, I truly do, but being ashamed of my weight, has me always pushing him away.

"I love you too." I typed back. I had never told Tate I loved him. I never understood why. Even though being around him sent my heart slamming into my chest, I just could never bring myself to so those simple three words.

I placed my phone back on my night stand, and closed my eyes.  I hadn't notice I fell asleep until my alarm clock started screaming. I slowly sat up, leaning my head back away from my body. My head felt heavy, like I was trying to lift a ton of brick with my pinkie.

I rolled out of bed, taking the sheets and blanket with me. I couldn't believe I had to go to school feeling like this. I propped up against my bed and pushed my self to my feet. I wasn't ready to face anybody, but knew I had too. I couldn't hide out in my house forever, even though I wanted too.

I was freezing. I couldn't believe it, I was freezing cold. It was only the middle of August and to me it felt like I was standing in the snow butt naked in the middle of December. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a old t-shirt. My jeans kept slipping off of my hips. Funny, this jeans used to be so small on me. I could help but be annoyed, I was going to have to buy a whole new wardrobe once I became beautiful, but for now I had to suffer with over size clothes. I tugged on a belt and a long sleeved shirt.

I suddenly caught a strong whiff of sweet syrup. My stomach gave a pain staking grumble. My mouth started to water. I knew what followed that sweet smell of syrup. My mother always made the best pancakes. I always looked forward to waking up, and eating tons of her pancakes.

Your mind should ALWAYS be on your diet. Or do you want to stay fat?

No, I couldn't, I wouldn't eat any of her pancakes. i promised my self I would only eat one small meal a day. I would have to tell my mo I would eat at school, even though it was a lie. I had become a excellent liar since I decide to lose weight. Lying about what and when I ate. Lying about not being hungry, when really I felt like stuffing my face. I hated lying to my parents, they raised me to be honest, but they just wouldn't under stand.

"Jacky? I made some pancakes if you want some." My mother poked her head into the doorway. Her hair was a stringy mess, and there was dark bags underneath her eyes that had never been there before.

"I promised Tate and Jaz that we would hang out before school starts in the parking lot." I tried to put on a reassuring smile. My clothes where feeling extremely baggy in areas they had never been before.

"Please Jacky, a least have one with me." My mother voice had a hint of agony hidden behind a fake smile. I didn't know what to say to my mom. I couldn't handle lying to her anymore. This woman before me was my mother, the woman who had loved me from birth, even is she was ashamed of me, she had to love me. Maybe if I told my mom how unhappy I was with my body, she would help me, workout with me, maybe even go on a diet with me. Then I wouldn't have to suffer alone with this. 

Your mother is beautiful, she doesn't need a diet, unlike you who is ugly and a disgrace to her own family

"No mom, I don't want any pancakes." Liar " I just want to finish getting ready .I don't want you hovering over my shoulder, I'm not going to kill myself like Darren."I tried to catch the words before they flew from my lips.  I had never been so evil to my mother in my whole life. My own mother, the woman who had scooped me up and rushed me to the hospital when I had a mental break down and slammed my own hand into a mirror, and has yet to ask questions. The woman who let me cry in her arms after my brother's death. I was a horrible ugly hearted person.

Tears glisten in the back of my mom's eyes. I knew she was on the verge of falling apart. My heart dropped twenty feet. I had hurt my mom in the worse possible way. I never planned on using Darren's death against her, but in the moment I wasn't myself. It felt like someone else was speaking for me, someone with much more evil words.

My mother stared at me for a second and pulled her head out of the doorway and silently shut the door. I was left staring at the other side of my door. I wanted to cry, run to my mother's arms, and tell her I was so sorry I didn't mean anything.

I grabbed my book bag and sweat shirt from inside my closet and quickly made my way out of my room. I had to weight my self, to make sure I hadn't gained any weight. The hallway had a eerie silence hung on the walls. I flipped on the bathroom light, and recoiled at the image in the mirror. A image of me reflected back, but it wasn't me. The image had beautiful silky brunette hair, and beautiful eyes. The image was skinny and beyond beautiful, yet held a sinister look in it's face. I stepped closer to the mirror, the image didn't move. This wasn't me, it couldn't be me, I would never be as beautiful as this image.

"This is who you are."

The image spoke in a low hissing tone. I must have been going crazy, reflected image didn't speak to people. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. I slowly opened them, and screamed in terror. Instead of being me in the mirror, it was a bone thin girl. Her cheeks where hollow, and her eyes held no life to them. The image had it's hand pressed against the mirror.

"Save yourself Jacky. Run... RUN!" 

I stumbled out of the bathroom, and ran blindly out of the house. I could still hear the hissing of the image. My heart slammed into my ribs. That wasn't me, both of those images where of someone else. I would never be that beautiful, and I would never let my diet make me look like skeleton, I just wanted to lose a few pounds.