What's eating you?

Chapter 16

*Jacky's POV*

They kept me in the hospital longer than I wanted to be. Into took close to two more weeks for feeling to return to the rest of my body, and when it did, I was grateful. I was so tired of feeling dead and numb. I couldn't move on my own, I had to have people help me sit up, go to the bathroom, everything. My doctor started me off on a small liquid diet. I didn't want to , but I knew I had to if I was ever going to get better. I didn't know how hungry I was. Once I got the taste of the food, I couldn't stop. I needed more, I wanted more.

You have no self control.

Yes I do. I wouldn't let Her or anyone else, make me feel awful about myself. Never again, will I let someone warp my mind, into believe my body is wrong. I wasn't going to stop eating again, but I was going to learn how to pace myself.

"How are you feeling Jacky?" My mother looked so much better than I could ever remember. She had gotten her long hair cut into a short bob, just below her ears. Her eyes seem to sparkle with a new light. But something told me, the woman I was looking at, was no longer my mother. My mom was once a outgoing woman, the lady I was looking at now was reserved, afraid of what was to come.

"I'm feeling better. The feeling in my toes is back. My ankle hurts like crazy, and it hurts to breath, but I welcome the pain." My injuries from falling on the track, where now starting to finally heal. Even though it hurt to move or breath, I was grateful I could feel the pain. I had pushed away the pain for so long, I forgot how to feel anything.

"Your father should be coming back soon. He's trying to get time off from work, but he's been gone for so long-"

"Mom I get it. Dad can't be gone from work close to three months straight. Besides it's nice to just have some alone time with you." I knew what I had said effect my mother. Tears instenatly weld up in her eyes and she gave the weakest smile she could. I knew what I had to do. I had to apologize to my mom, for everything.

"I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry I said those awful things to you, I'm sorry I was such a brat and wrapped up in my own problems that I couldn't see how bad I was truly-" She placed her hand on mine.

"Jacky. You don't need to apologize.  Whatever happen, what ever you where feeling, you don't need to apologize for. I should be the one apologizing to you. I failed at being a mother. I missed the warnings signs. I should have know better than to force you to eat. I should have straight to you, but I don't think that would have done any good. I was so wrapped up in my own grief over Darren, it almost cost me the life of my little girl." Tear welled up in my eyes. I had never heard my mom call me her little girl. Even when I was younger, my mom all ways just called me Jacky. But in this moment, I could see it. My mom was never going to be the same person she once was. She would always be afraid of what was to come, and would always have to live with the guilt of almost losing another one of her children.

I didn't know what to say, I have never been good with my words. I wanted to tell her so much "Thanks." was all I could say. I've had my finer moments in life, but here crying in front  of her was not one of them.

"I never left your side. I couldn't, if you slipped away while I was gone I would never forgive myself, so I sat right here for the whole six weeks." My mom conutied to talk. Before, I would blow my mom off and go lock myself in my own little world. But I wanted, I needed to hear my mom. I pushed her away for so long, I no longer knew who she was.

"I thought if you saw a friendly face, instead of your father's mountain man bushy beard, you wouldn't be so afraid of this world." I gave a choked laugh. My dad was trying to grow a beard, saying it's time for a change. But instead of being a full man beard, it was splotches of random hair placed on his chin.

"Mom." For the two weeks I've been awake I wanted to tell my mom about what happen in my coma slash dream land, but I didn't know how to put it into words. " Can I tell you something?" I watched as a play of emotions flashed across her face.

First fear, then uncertainty. I didn't want to traumatize my mother anymore than she has already been, but I need to talk about it before it explode right out of me. " Mom-" I drew in a deep breath "When I was in the coma, I guess, I saw us. Me,you, dad and even Darren." I scanned my mother's face when I said my brother's name. Her expression was stone cold. It made me nerves to keep talking, but I knew I had to tell her. "It was like nothing happened. Everything had just been one awful dream, but then something happened. You all changed, from being normal, to walking skeletons. Then I was trapped in a white room, and I had my class mate Lee ask me why I starved myself, like she did the last day I saw her. I didn't understand her, until I saw her wrist. She told me she saw her saw as a ugly human being, and didn't deserve a chance at life. Then something happened. I saw myself, but it wasn't me. It was some false image of beauty, but it was like once I faced my demons everything was alright." I tried to speak slowly, but once I started talking about what happen, it ended up coming out like word vomit.

Fear crept into my stomach. I couldn't read my mother's face, I didn't know what I had told her effected her, or she was just thinking. "Jacky, when I had gotten the call from the school, it felt as if it was Darren all over again. The school told me you two had gotten into a verbal argument, and for a couple weeks I was angry at you. I wondered how you could be so cruel to someone, but then it was like Darren spoke to me. He told me it wasn't any one's fault, no one was to blame themselves for her death. She choose that path, and so did he. What really got me, Lee's father didn't even find her body, her twin sister did."  My mother was speaking a slow soft tone.

I didn't know Lee had a twin, it must have been the girl she always sat with in homeroom. A felt a pang of hurt. I didn't know if Lee and her sister where as close as me and Darren once where, but I couldn't think, how can someone who says they love leave this world without even a simple goodbye?

"I went to the funeral, I don't know why, but I felt I had to go. But when I saw Samantha, it was like she was at peace with it. She sat by herself on a marble bench and just held onto a small picture, and every time she looked like she was about to cry, she would look at the picture, then turn to her side and smile." Something flickered behind my mother's eyes. " I don't know what is was, but I swear I saw Lee, and she had her arms around her sister." My mother started to get choked up. I knew going to Lee's funeral would strike a nerve for her. " Lee looked happy, like everything was at piece, and she was just telling her sister goodbye for a little while, and someday they'll see each other again." I thought of Darren, the way he came into my dream. He didn't look like the Darren he once was, he looked more at peace, he looked free. 

"Then I thought of Darren, and it was like I could feel him here with us. Every time I would start missing your voice, it was like he would speak to me. He told me that everything was going to be alright, and look-" My mom gave my hand a hard squeeze. " This moment is perfect." I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I wanted so badly to be perfect in my mother's eyes, to have her to be less ashamed of me. But now I can see no matter what happens in my life, or what ever I do my mom will always love me.

"I'm telling you Louis, I'm not coming back today!" My dad stepped into the room, and threw his arms into the air. He was wearing a white polo shirt with khakis, that always made him seem fat.

"Please they know already. " I watched as my dad rolled his eyes. He was always one to follow rules and never change the boss.

"You know what? Kiss my ass." My father flipped his phone shut, and rubbed his temples, then gave a laugh. " Hopefully, I'll have a job to go back to next Tuesday."

"John?" My mother cocked a nerves eyebrow.

"Don't worry. Besides, I'm putting in for a job transfer up state, which means we might be moving." I could see the worry in my mom's eyes as she looked at me.

I thought about it for a moment. If we moved, I would be away from Tate, and Jaz and my brother's grave. It scared me to think I would be starting all over, a new town, house, even people. I didn't want to leave, but I knew it would be for the best. I would be starting all over again, I could become a brand new person. I would slowly start putting on weight, and start learning not to let people run my life.

"Jacky, I don't have to transfer, but I thought it would be good for us all." My dad tried to force a smile. I could tell he was nerves, he picked at the skin around his nails.

I drew in a deep breath and smiled. " I think moving would be great for us. A brand new start."