What's eating you?

Chapter 18

 *Jacky's Pov*

My mom squeezed my hand tightly as we pulled up to Tate's house. I didn't know what I was going to say to Tate or how he was going to re act to the news of the move. If it was going to be anything like it was with Jaz, I was in for a hell of a ride. A tight knot began to form in the base of my stomach.

"You sure you don't want me to stay?" My mom was faking a happy tone. I knew she wanted to stay, in case something went wrong, but I needed to do this myself. I needed to let go, and start taking the steps to recovery by myself.

"No, mom I'll be fine." I grabbed her hand and gave it a tight squeeze.  Her eyes where glisten with fresh tears, and her cheeks where a bright rosy shade of red. My mom had cried just as hard as I did when I said goodbye to Jaz. 

"Alright, just call me if you need anything." I knew the second something with wrong, I could call her and she would rush to my aid, but I needed to do this.

I gave her a soft smile and pushed open the car door. I took a deep breath and slowly stood up, and gently slammed the car door shut. I made my way to the front door, I could feel my mom's eyes on my back. I knocked loudly and took a tentative step back.  There was a moment of frightening silence where I thought no one was home. I was about to turn to go back to my mother's car when I hear a gruff voice from behind the door.

"Give me a second." A flood of happiness poured into my chest. Tate's voice sounded like he had just woken up. " Dam, where did I put my shirt? Mom! MOM! Where did I put my shirt!" I gave a soft laugh.

"I don't know Tate!" His mother called.

"Dam." I could hear him frantically pacing through out the house.

"I've seen you shirtless before Tate." I thumbed the hem of my shirt. Everything in the house seemed to go silent. The next thing I knew someone was on the other side of the door fumbling with the locks.

Tate pulled open the door and stared wide eye at me. His hair was unkempt and he wasn't wearing a shirt. White pukka shell necklace hung around his neck. I laughed at the necklace. I had gotten the necklace for Tate's birthday last year, and didn't realize he already had three. It made me feel awful inside for getting him so crummy.

Tate counted to stare at me like I was someone who he didn't recognize, but have know for years. I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. " I like your pukka shells." I wrapped my finger in a loose strand of hair.

Without speaking to me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. I through my arms around his shoulders. The warmness of his skin felt so familiar to me, it seemed to put all the butterflies about the move at ease. Tate pulled away from me, and ran his fingers through his hair.

"You want to come in?" He gave a choked laugh.

"Sure." I turned and waved at my mom. She gave me a tear filled smile and drove away. 

We stood in the foyer for a moment before Tate lead me over to the living room. We awkwardly sat on opposite ends on the couch, looking at each other like we had just meet.

"You look-" He raised a hand but then lowered it again.

"Sick?Awful? Scary Skinny? I know.But my doctor say I'm getting better." I gave a slight shrug. I was learning I didn't need to be afraid of how I look anymore and talking about it was the first step in not being afraid anymore.

"No. You're skin, your hair, everything seems to be glowing with a new light. God that sounded corny." He ran nerves fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry." I cried, as more tears threaten to spill over. No, I wasn't going to start crying right off the back. I need to pull it together.

"Jacky don''t be-" I held up my hand to cut him off. 

"Tate, this time it was truly and only my fault. I need to apologize to you. You weren't lost in the grief of losing a child, you weren't hurt by people who where suppose to be your friend. No, you stood by my side for every agonizing moment. All the pain and hurt you felt, was because of me this time. You have no reason to be sorry, you didn't everything you could to save me. You told me it would be okay if I ate a snack, you told me it was fine if I didn't work out. You stood by me for everything." I brushed a stray tear off my eyes and slowly continued.  "I don't know how you did it Tate, I truly don't. Watching someone just waste away like it's nothing and being helpless to stop it.  To have to sit there and pretend everything alright, but deep in your heart knowing the person you love is dying. " My hands suddenly started shaking. My heart galloped at high speeds as I spoke to him. I casted my eyes around the room, but I couldn't shake the feeling of Tate's deep eyes focused on my face.

"For the longest time I thought it was my fault." He spoke in such a hushed tone I had to strain to hear him.

"No Tate its not, and will never be." I gave a soft smile. He ran a frustrated hand through his curls.

"I don't know, but every time I saw you, and you would just sit there and refuse to eat. I just wanted to scream and beat myself up, because I felt so powerless. I felt like I was watching something horrible happening, and there was nothing I could do about it." I blinked a few times, then reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Everything that has happen, it's truly no one fault. I don't know what drove me to starve myself, and I probably will never know. But I know I can't keep blaming myself, because all that going to do is make me feel guilty, and I'm tierd of feeling ashamed of myself. I just want to feel okay again, even if that means-." I cut myself short.  This wasn't the way I wanted to tell Tate about me moving. I wanted to tell him when he fully understood nothing was his fault.

"You're moving aren't you?" My eyes darted up to his face. How did he know that? Did I already tell him and I just forgot about it? No, Jaz was the only person who knew.

"How did you know."I lowered my voice. I was feeling suddenly unsure, like the move wasn't the best thing anymore.

He gave a long sigh and smiled. " I just guessed." Oh, a intense heat crept in to my cheeks.

"That was a pretty good guess."  I shrugged. We where both client for a moment.

"I think a fresh start would be good for you." I looked into his deep eyes.

"Ya that what I thought too, but I don't want to leave you or Jaz." A hard lump began to form in my throat.

"No, Jacky. You need this, your mom need this, we all need this. After everything we've been through, a fresh start would take so much pressure off of you. You've always done things for other people, even at a cost for your own body. You need this more than anyone. You need a place where you won't have to worry about people constantly judging you on your past, even when you're trying to get better. You can become who ever you want too with a fresh start." Tears burned in the back of my eyes.

"I don't think I can leave you though." I cried softly.

"Jacky." He grabbed my hand. " Don't worry about leaving me. Like you said I am always here for you, and that will never change. I'll be here for you even when we are old and wrinkly. Nothing will ever take me away from you.Even though we may be apart for now, everything will work it's self in the end." I couldn't stop the tears anymore.

"I'm so sick of crying." I laughed as I brushed the tears away.

"Crying doesn't show you are weak, since birth it's been a sign that your are alive." I could tell Tate was on the verge of crying too. 

"I promised Jazz I'll visit when ever I can, which means every break I get I'll come back." I whispered.

Tate gave me a soft smile, the type of smile no matter what mood you are in it will always melt your heart.

"Good cause I don't know how long I'll be able to put up with Jaz and her crazy talking habits." I couldn't help but laugh. For the first time in my life, everything seemed to falling in place for the better, instead of falling apart  for the worst.