Consulting Fangirl

Chapter 9: Mai

I awoke the next morning to a sound in the kitchen. My head snapped up in fear when I realized that this wasn’t my flat. This was John’s flat. It was likely him in the kitchen. It was then when I noticed the extra blanket that had been gently placed around me sometime during the night.

“You were shaking like a leaf when I came downstairs for a drink. Thought you might appreciate the warmth.” John’s voice rang out from the kitchen. I felt something flutter in my stomach.

“Thank you. Really, thank you,” I replied, sitting up from the couch. My neck was beyond stiff from yesterday, as well as the result of sleeping on a couch. It didn’t matter, though. John needed me and I would be there for him.

“It’s no trouble. Tea? Coffee?” He asked. His voice appeared normal, but I was still incredibly nervous. For his sake, though, I tried to sound as steady and calm as possible.

“Tea. No sugar, thanks.” I heard him shuffling around in the kitchen, setting up the teapot. My phone buzzed from the table and I shut it off, ignoring my friends yet again. They were likely worried sick, especially Dan, but I couldn’t talk to them right now. I had to sort of the situation with John.

John came out from the kitchen with a cup of tea in his hands, a nervous smile on his face. He set it down in front of me, moving over to sit in his chair. We were silent for a few moments, but it wasn’t awkward. It was a nice sort of silence.

“John… would you mind if I…?” I pulled out my cigarettes and eyed him nervously. I could go outside, but I really didn’t want to. Outside was so… far away.

“Sure, go ahead.” John replied with a small smile. I could tell he didn’t approve, but he said nothing as I lit the cigarette greedily and brought it to my lips. A sense of calm flowed through my body as I inhaled the smoke, exhaling slowly.

John chuckled lightly, smiling at me. I raised my eyebrows at him and he shook his head.

“What?” I asked, my voice rising at the end. I wasn’t sure whether to be angry or amused by his sudden laughter.

“Nothing. You just remind me of him. He used to smoke, but it’s impossible-,”

“To sustain a smoking habit in London these days.” I answered for him, smiling lightly. He tilted his head and sent me a questioning glance.

“Biggest fan, remember?” I took another drag of the cigarette and smiled. I could feel John’s eyes on me, but I forced myself to look away. I didn’t want him to stop looking and knew that if I stared back, he would. He probably found it disturbing how I could quote his late flatmate, but he didn’t say anything.

“Mai, we should really talk about last night.” John stammered, rubbing his hands together nervously. I bit back the sarcastic retort that was trying to fight its way past my lips. John didn’t need sarcasm right now.

“What part of last night? The kiss, or the fat that you tried to kill-,” I cut off, my voice dying. Even thinking about yesterday hurt my chest. Speaking about it was worse. John didn’t need me to continue, though. He knew exactly what I was referring to.

“Both. Either. I need to talk, I need to do something other than sit here and pretend that nothing is wrong, Mai, because everything is wrong, and I need to make at least this one thing right.”

He came over and sat beside me on the couch, taking my hand with a solemn look on his face.

“What I did, or what I tried to do, was wrong. I see that. I understand. I wish I could give you some brilliant excuse for my actions, but to be honest, I haven’t one. I thought I saw Sherlock and I was scared I was going insane. I came here expecting to see him alive but… he wasn’t. And I snapped. It- it won’t happen again.”

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t be mad at him. Hell, if I said that I’d never had a breakdown before I’d be lying. His was closer than mine, though, but I could hardly be angry with him.

After what seemed like hours of strained silence, I finally whispered, “I understand.”

He sagged into me, clearly relieved. My stomach fluttered with his head on my shoulder, but I said nothing. All I did was wrap my arms around him and bury my face into his hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m-,”

I shushed him lightly, cutting off his apologies. “I’m here, John. I’ll never leave.” He nodded, his face still buried into my neck. I held him tightly, my fingers knotted in his shirt. My neck soon dampened with the stain of his tears, but I didn’t mind.

This crying session was over quickly, though. He pulled back, smiling lightly at me whilst rubbing his eyes. I removed all the pity from my smile as I returned it. Pity was the last thing he needed.

“Mai,” He started with a cough. I nodded at him, encouraging him to continue. To my surprise, he blushed scarlet, dropping his eyes from mine. With a nervous laugh, he took my hands.

“I don’t, I’m not entirely sure how to say this, or if it’s the right time, but… I like you, Mai. I really do. And I know that I’m a sad, pathetic excuse for a man, and that I’m a time bomb who will only ruin your life, but I can’t help hoping, no, asking for you to sacrifice this one thing to me. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I was just, I want you to-,” He broke off with a groan as I chuckled at him.

“What?” He asked defensively, but with a laugh nonetheless.

“Nothing, I just find you adorable when you’re nervous.”

“Okay, Mai,” He started, the nervousness slowly ebbing away. He grabbed my hands, the contact sending a shiver up my spine.

“Will you go out with me?”