Consulting Fangirl

Chapter 20: Mai

A/N HOLY MOTHER OF FISH STICKS I AM SO SORRY! THIS IS SO VERY LATE, SO VERY VERY VERY LATE!

Exams are Friday and my nerves are officially shot to Hell, so please don't judge me too harshly. Good news: I finally know how I'm going to end the story (HOORAY) so I should be back to normal with my updates. 

Enjoy this beautiful sadness. 

Lying to John every day grew harder and harder. I nearly cracked and told him the truth so many times, but in the end, it was his life on the line. I wasn’t willing to risk that. It was selfish of me, but I didn’t care. He was happy with me. He didn’t need Sherlock anymore. I was enough, right?

John began to notice I was hiding something. I could see it in his eyes. He suspected me of something. What it is he thought I was doing, though, I didn’t know. He couldn’t have guessed the truth. That was impossible. It must be something else.

“Dinner’s on!” I shouted through the flat as I placed food on the table. John entered the room slowly, a cold look on his face. I smiled up at him nervously, wiping the guilt from my face.

“What’s wrong dear?” I asked.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed, dear.” He responded quietly.

My heart sped up, but I d forced myself to remain calm. “I have no idea what you’re on about now. Come on. Let’s eat. I’m positively starved-,”

“Mai, stop.” His voice wasn’t what I was expecting. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t frustrated. It wasn’t cold.

It was sad.

“Just, please, stop lying to me. I know you’re hiding something and I think I know what it is.” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to lose him yet. It had only been to years, two bloody years. I couldn’t lose him yet.

“John-,” I tried to argue my way out of this, but he cut me off once more.

“I know that you say you love me, Mai, but I cant help thinking that you’re lying to me. You’ve always wanted to protect me, and I’m grateful for that, but to marry me just to make me happy then sneak around behind my back- that is unfair to both of us. I love you, and I want you to be happy, but an affair? That’s too far.”

No. No. No. No. No. This couldn’t be happening. No. No. No. No. No.

John thought I was having an affair. He thought I was unfaithful. Of all the ways I had imagined this going, I never thought of this. I never dreamed he would assume this of me.

 “John, I’m not having an affair!” I shouted.

“Do you really think I’m that thick? I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I can’t see. The guilt in your eyes, Mai, it scares me. And you’ve been spending nearly every day at Dan’s. What am I supposed to think?”

It was true, I had been spending more time with Dan. But that was only because he was the only person I felt safe around. I could talk to him about my predicament without putting him in danger, claiming to be discussing my new book idea. He bought it every time. It felt so good to talk to him about my problems. I didn’t realize how much time I had been spending there.

“Dan? Really? John, he’s my best friend, I would never sneak around with him. You know that I love you.”

“Do you?” his voice cracked. “Do you really? I think you believe that you love me, Mai. You wouldn’t be cheating on me if you did.”

“For the last time, I’m not cheating on you!” My voice rose with every word.

His eyes darkened. “Alright. Then what are you hiding?” I could tell from the determination in his eyes that he wouldn’t give this up. I could tell him now and kill him, or he would walk out the door and I would lose him forever.

I knew the decision was already made. There was no decision after all. My happiness was nothing on John’s life.

I had to let him go.

With tears falling silently from my eyes, I shook my head at him, my throat too tight to form the words I so desperately wanted to say.

“Fine.” He exhaled, pushing his lips out. Finally, his face formed a smile that was anything but happy as he said, “Goodbye Mai.”

 He walked out the door.