Playing The Player's Game (Book 1 In The Player Series)

Losing Me

As soon as I walked in the front door I saw Jordan, uncle J, and Slade all sitting on the couch waiting on me. "Nice to see you again." Jordan said sarcastically as I scoffed. "So running off with some strange boy is added to the list of things." Uncle J muttered as I rolled my eyes. "No. He is new. I showed him how to get back home. You're superman and joker over here came storming at me. He was the reason  went to the party in the first place, and I left to be matter of fact and he about had a cow. I went to the next one to get him off my back. And now you wanna send me to California because of him. And Jordan is right there with him. And you." I added feeling all alone as Slade shook his head. "What happened to you?" He glared ad Jordan and uncle J left out muttering a "We will finish this later," as they took that as their cue to leave. "What the heck are you talking about?" "This. You. This is not you Jace. You used to be so happy and lively and you lost it and then you went downhill from there. I saw that spark that day when you challenged me to the player's game. I saw it in your eyes and now you're on this self destruct path and I have tried pulling you away but you insist on digging your heels in. You are destroying yourself, Jacer. I can't watch you do that." Tears were forming in my eyes as he stared back at me. His eyes were full of anger and hurt. But he was right. About all of it. Lately I have felt like a stranger in my own body. In my own home. In my own skin. In my own bones. In my own veins. The things I do. The things I say. The things I feel. The things I think. They're all foreign and not true to who i am. But who am I? Who is this girl that has overtaken my body? My thoughts? My feelings? My hopes? My dreams? Who am I? What is this being that makes me feel this way? Why am I conflicted or rattled by this? Why do I feel this way? It makes me angry yet sad. I made this person, me, to be who i was and now here I am regretting it. I don't even know where she went anymore. Its like she disappeared and i have no way of bringing her back. She's gone-lost-and I don't know where to find her. Everyone looked at me like I was perfect. And in their eyes i was perfect. And then everything came tumbling down on top of me. But when I look in the mirror I see broken and damaged and imperfection and flaws and a stranger. I am far from perfect and far from the girl I desperately wanted to be and the girl I want back. She was happy and lively and funny and now I just feel fake. Because I am. I am fake and a stranger. And everyone knew but me, until now, I know now and I hate myself for it.

"You have no idea. Slade, I have tried being the old Jace. I have tried remembering what she was like but it gets harder and harder. I can barely remember what Jeremiah and mom looked like. I can barely see their faces anymore. My dad haunts my memories and his murderer haunts my nightmares. I can't do it any longer. I can't find me alone." I cried as he shook his head. "I can't watch you destroy yourself." He said before walking away and leaving me crying. It was then that i realized I loved him. I had fell for him through this whole dumb cliché player's game. For two months we have played that game and somewhere along that I fell for the player. And now he is walking away. And im letting him. He's gone.

"Jacer. This has been going on too long. The parties, the anger, the running. It needs to stop." Uncle J said as I nodded. "I wanna be me again." I cried as I put my head in his chest. He hugged me and rubbed my back. "I wanna go to uncle Jesse. I want to uncle J." I muttered as he nodded and smiled sadly. "I will miss you kid but I think its for the best. You can come back next summer and see how things go, okay?" I nodded and sighed. "Im sorry uncle J." "No Jacey im sorry for letting you down. I should have been here when Jeremiah died, when your mom died, I should have saved you from your dad and his death. I should have been there for you. I love you Jacey." "I love you too uncle J." I cried into his chest.

I was doing the right thing leaving. I had too. This was the best for all of us. As i packed I cried and smiled sadly. I would miss this place and miss everyone here. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Slade and I went head to head and battled for days and weeks on end. But I was no match for Slade Quinn. I had fell for him and he didn't catch me. He was supposed to be there to catch me when I fell for him. I was supposed to catch him if he fell for me. I tried my hardest to resist my feelings that had grew for him but in the end I knew I had lost and he had won. I thought maybe it was true love, we would play this dumb game and fall in love. Some dumb cliché story about how we fell in love over some dumb player's game and a bet. A game and a bet that broke us in itself. But we didn't. Well he didn't. I fell for him but he couldn't care less about me. I was just another one of the names he added to his list of dumb girls he played. And he was just another name to the list of people I have lost. And now a year later he's probably partying with some girl and plans to take her home. He did say he was going to a party. While I lay in bed alone and cry because I lost the one guy i ever truly loved. It feels as if I will never love again. It feels as if he was my only one. It feels as if I don't have a heart or a mind anymore. I just feel empty. For a whole year i have felt that way while he parties and spends his time with girl after girl. I cry and cry wishing each girl was me. But im not them and I can't be. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want any girl. He is a player and that is why we started the player's game in the first place. So I could teach him a lesson about playing girls. But in the end I got taught many lessons and he didn't get taught not one. I got taught that cliché love stories are for fantasies. Cliché is for fairytales and movies and books. But this isn't a fantasy, movie, fairytale, or book; this is life and with life comes heartbreak and misery. I ran a good race in the Player's game but in the end I found i was no match for the player. He was just too experienced and I was not. So I learned the hard way leave the playing to the players and the player's game to the players. I began packing again and getting ready to leave, I had less than an hour. Its been two days since Slade and I fought and its been two days since I decided to leave. I have to do this for me and for him and for Jordan and uncle J. For Jeremiah and my mom and even my dad and his murderer. I have to show them that I can do this. I have to find myself, that girl I lost. I have to find me. I have to find Jacer Marie Tucker before its too late. I just hope im not already too late.

Slade

I sit in my room all alone. I made noise at dinner about me going to some party just to make her think I was happy. But im not. I miss her more than words can say. And its only been two days. I miss her laugh and her eyes and her smile. I miss her cuddling and even holding her after she has had a bad dream. If she thinks i am happier without her then she will move on and be happy too. I only started the game and took the bet because she was the only girl I really liked. The other girls were fillers. Excitements for a day or two while life passes me by. Seeing Jacer and knowing she is leaving today it gets tough because I don't want her to leave but I also can't watch her become someone she isn't. I miss my Jacer. The sassy loving little Jacey i knew. I see her and hear her and I just find myself wishing she were mine. I already hurt her and that is why she isn't mine. I have to understand that. I can't cause her anymore pain than I already have because I'm afraid I might break her. I can't get involved with her because then I might destroy the happy and smiley Jacer. I miss my JT. I miss my baby girl. I miss my princess. I miss my baby. I miss her. But I have to move on with my life so I won't destroy her. I have to walk away because I love her. But watching her walk away is a whole lot harder than I ever thought it would be.