letters | ksj ✓

03

Taehyung's asleep when Jin walks into his room; he's nodded off while watching the movie that's still playing on his laptop. Jin stands and watches him for a while before pausing the movie – he knows how much it bothers Taehyung when he wakes up to a dead laptop and a movie finished hours ago – and rushing back to his room.

When he returns it's with his notebook and pen, and he sits down on Jungkook's bed. He'd planned to write the letters to the members in age order – from oldest to youngest – but right now, seeing Taehyung, he ditches that plan. He's going to write in any order he chooses, because he figures it won't matter which one was written first or last once he's dead.

Dear Taehyung, he starts.

Please don't be sad or angry. You're going to want to be, and I can't blame you for that, but I need you to understand that this was for the best. I wasn't happy here – I think you've seen that – and I've been needing this for a long time.

He doesn't know what the right way to say this is. Taehyung is sweet and soft and Jin is terrified of hurting him. He looks over at the sleeping boy, observing the fall of his dark hair, the slope of his nose, the way his lips are parted slightly in sleep.

He keeps going.

Tae, it's not your fault, okay? You've made me smile and laugh so much. You're so kind and observant and funny and I never want you to change. Your happiness has always been contagious, kiddo, and around you, I don't have to pretend as much.

He figures Taehyung will know what he means by that.

You are an amazing person, Kim Taehyung. You're so talented and humble and such a bright ball of sunshine and we all love you so much. You're incredible. Please don't forget that.

I know it bothers you when people call you weird or an alien, and I think you should know that they mean it in the best way. Your quirks are some of the best things about you. And I know you're insecure about that boxy smile everyone says you have. Don't be. I think it's cute.

Taehyung lets out a little snort in his sleep, as if he's agreeing with Jin.

If there's one time you've ever listened to me, please make it now. I need you to do me a favor and take care of Kookie, because God knows he can't take care of himself. Remind him to do his laundry regularly so he doesn't end up having to wear a colored shirt because he's out of clean clothes.

And while you're at it, help take care of Jimin too. I know he's older than you but he can be such a kid.

Listen to your hyungs, please. Don't give them a hard time and don't let Kookie give them a hard time either, because I know both of you can be very stubborn and it can drive them nuts.

It's true, he thinks ruefully, that Jungkook and Tae can be a handful, but he loves them all the same. He hopes they know that, but he doesn't write it. He doesn't think he has to.

I want you to know that whoever you choose to be — whether that's Kim Taehyung or V or Taelien or some character you're playing in a new drama – I support you. I always have, haven't I? I always will. Don't stop singing, don't stop acting, don't stop smiling. You deserve to be happy, and I don't want you to doubt that just because I couldn't be.

The last few words are smudged. Jin curses under his breath; he didn't think he'd cry.

Then again, up until a few days ago, he hadn't thought he'd ever be writing suicide notes to the last people who care about him, but here he is.

He thinks again of the hate he's received from some of the ARMYs. Those had been what had sent him over the edge, he thinks, but they're not wrong. Jin is talentless, worthless, a hindrance to his team. He should leave.

One comment in particular even said that he should die, and although there were other ARMYs who'd jumped to his defense, he can't help but agree; he should die. Of course, when he'd first seen the comment, he hadn't thought it would escalate this much, but now that it has, he doesn't know how to feel.

He's being selfish, but he can't really bring himself to care. He's been needing an escape for so long, and now that he's made his decision, he's not going back.

I love you very, very much, Tae, he writes slowly in neat print. Please take care of yourself while I'm gone.

Love, Jin.

He gets up and moves to leave, wiping the moisture from his cheek. Taehyung stirs and his eyes blink open, taking a minute to focus.

"Hyung?" he asks sleepily. "Did something happen? Are you okay?"

Jin turns back. He bends over and presses a light kiss to Tae's forehead. "I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

Tae nods and slips back into his slumber, and as Jin leaves he can't decide if his heart has grown heavier or lighter.