letters | ksj ✓

05

Yoongi protests strongly against Jin making dinner that evening, but he does it anyway. It's nothing much – the same meal that Gordon Ramsay dubbed "overcooked eggs with worms" – but it's enough to prove to Yoongi and all of the others that he's not an invalid. After all, his problems are in his head, not his limbs, and he can function perfectly fine.

"This is heavenly, Jin-hyung," Taehyung borderline moans as he starts eating. Jungkook, from the other side of the table, hums in agreement.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Jin teases, but he's pleased. It's not the first time they've complimented his cooking, but it makes him happy nonetheless. It always does.

"No, really, hyung, the food is really good," Hoseok tells him.

Even Yoongi nods. Jin watches the boys slurp down the noodles and practically swells with pride.

He nearly cries when Jimin asks for seconds; it takes him a minute to get shake himself out of his stupor. His hands shake slightly as he goes to refill the plate, and there's hushed whispering behind him when his back is turned.

"Did we say something?" he hears.

"Maybe we imagined it."

"No, he looked really surprised..."

"We're probably overreacting. He might just be tired."

Jin returns with a plate full of noodles and what he makes sure is a nonchalant expression. He hands the food to Jimin, who grabs it with eager fingers. "Does anyone else want seconds?"

"Don't worry so much, hyung," Yoongi says, giving him a weird cross between a death glare and a suppressed smirk. "We can get our own food."

"This one obviously can't," Hoseok quips, ruffling Jimin's hair, and the latter swats crankily at him. Jin smiles at them.

"I'll do the dishes," Namjoon offers. Yoongi gives him an approving look, but Jin knows exactly what this is about and he's a bit affronted.

"No, Joon, you don't have to - "

"You always do it," Namjoon cuts in. "I want to help out."

The maknae line looks a bit confused. They're never included in the others' plans regarding Jin, so they don't understand, but what they do understand is that Namjoon never willingly does chores, let alone offers to – he's got enough on his hands as the leader, so they don't blame him – and the fact that Yoongi and Hoseok aren't against the God of Destruction doing the dishes is a bit of a shock.

Jin mulls the situation over in his head. He doesn't want to be treated like glass, which is exactly what Namjoon is doing, but he doesn't want to make a scene in front of the three confused boys watching him.

"Okay," he relents. "I'll be in my room if any of you need me."

He forces himself to walk at a normal pace to his room, but once the door is closed he all but flies toward his bed. Underneath his pillow is his notebook, and he opens it to the next clean page.

Dear Jimin, he writes, then, thinking about Jimin's request at dinner, continues, I'm so proud of you. You've been through so much, kid, but you've gotten past it.

Jin isn't jealous of Jimin, but he wishes he was as strong as him. Jimin was able to beat the insecurity built on rude comments and the anorexia and bulimia that came with it. Jimin's a strong kid, and he's determined.

Jin's not like that, despite how hard he's tried to be.

I heard all of you talking about me when you thought I couldn't hear you, he continues. I'm sorry for making all of you worry, but I thought it'd be important to tell you that I wasn't upset in the slightest. I was happy, Jimin, I was so happy because even though you haven't had any problems with anorexia for a good long while now, I've still been so worried and you asking for seconds was the confirmation I've been needing that you're okay.

He wipes away the moisture pooling in his eyes – has happiness always been this overwhelming? – and shakes his head in a sorry attempt into clear it. He knows body image issues are difficult to get over – God, he knows – and he's so, so proud of this boy for being strong enough to move on from it.

I'm so sorry I'm having to go, ChimChim, but I've gotten so tired. It's been a bit harder than I've let on and I can't do it anymore. It's not your fault, got that? I don't want you to think that it is.

You're always bright and happy and everyone loves you for it, and it was certainly no different for me. Your optimism is contagious and I can never not smile when you're around, so thank you. You've helped me through a great deal without knowing it.

Jin is tearing up again, but this time, it's bittersweet.

He's going to be so lonely without the others by his side, helping him without meaning to, making him smile. He's going to miss them so much.

Jimin, you are such a phenomenal human being. You put more feeling into your dancing and your singing than anyone else I know, and you're incredibly talented at both. Don't stop singing, because a world like this needs a voice like yours in it, and don't stop dancing because no one has truly lived until they get to feast their eyes on you.

Do me a favor and take care of your dongsaengs for me, okay? I know Tae and Kookie are independent enough and don't really need to be mothered, and I've already told Tae to remind Kookie to do his laundry on a regular basis, but I have a feeling he'll forget. They're both kids, and I know you're not much older but if they need someone I want you to be there for them.

He wants to add "like I was there for you", but he figures that's too close to a narcissistic joke, so he doesn't, and he wonders if the boys will miss his dad jokes, and it saddens him a bit that he can't be sure. He knows the jokes will be a reminder of him, even if they had always embarrassed the other boys.

Maybe he's ruined dad jokes for all of the boys just by making them, or maybe he won't quite have ruined them until he's not there to make them anymore.

Don't let Hobi keep you and Jungkook in the dance room too late, and don't let him skip meals. I know he won't let any of the rest of you go hungry or deprive yourselves of sleep, but I'm not too sure of whether he'll take care of himself so I'll need you to help him with that.

I love you so, so much, Park Jimin, and I hope you know that. None of this was ever your fault, and I hope you know that too. Don't ever stop smiling, kiddo.

The two simple words he signs the letters with get harder to write every time.

Love, Jin.