letters | ksj ✓

11

Consciousness floods back like water pushing through a dam, and Jin wonders if it's over.

He remembers falling asleep, and he knows that he's definitely taken enough pills to ensure that he doesn't wake up, so he has to be dead.

So why does his head pound?

"Hyung?" he hears, and it makes him want to cry. Maybe he's hallucinating – maybe he's getting to live through memories one last time – hearing voices of people that can't be there, because he should be dead and they should not.

"Namjoon-hyung, why isn't he waking up?" This voice is distraught. He tries to remember when he's ever heard that before, but it doesn't quite fit anywhere.

He easily recognizes the sound of a tired sigh – none other than Namjoon's – and a pregnant pause. He feels his surroundings shift.

"Hyung? Can you hear us?"

There's a touch on his arm, and his eyes snap open in surprise.

This isn't a memory. This is real.

He blinks, waiting for his vision to clear up, and looks dumbly at the six worried faces staring at him.

The maknaes are crying, huddled together as if for warmth. Yoongi has an arm slung around a trembling Hobi's shoulders and Namjoon is clutching the notebook in his hands.

It didn't work, he realizes, and he nearly chokes on the realization that he's only made things worse. He wonders how they found him – how they stopped him – because he should have died today and he didn't and he wishes he did.

"Hyung," comes Taehyung's broken voice, and then the spell is broken and all of the boys throw their arms around him, sobbing, and he is too.

They stay like that wordlessly for what could have been a couple seconds or a couple hours, and Jin revels in their warmth. Namjoon is the first to come to his senses, pulling away and peeling them off of him one by one, flashing him a watery smile.

"Damn it, Jin-hyung, we were so worried," Yoongi says, but he sounds more relieved than irritated. "Why would you do that?"

Jin swallows. "I – I'm sorry, I didn't think – "

"Why didn't you tell us?" Namjoon asks.

Jin sighs. "I didn't want to worry you with something so trivial."

"Trivial?" Jimin repeats indignantly in an undignified squawk. "Hyung, it's not – it's not trivial if you – "

"If it bothers you this much, it's not at all unimportant," Jungkook cuts in quietly, not meeting his eyes, "because you're important to us."

Guilt washes over Jin, because he knows that the issues hadn't been trivial when they were Jimin's and he knows how much he's hurt Jungkook by turning his nightmare into a reality. He's suddenly hyperaware of how uneven his breathing is and how hard it is to draw breath and he's so, so sorry –

"Hyung?" Taehyung says worriedly, cuddling up to him to wrap strong arms around his shoulders. "Hyung, no, it's okay, we're not angry."

"I – "Jin can't breathe. "I – I'm sorry, I didn't mean – "

"Jinnie," Yoongi interrupts softly. Everyone turns to stare incredulously at him – none of them have ever heard him call Jin anything other than 'Jin-hyung' – but he ignores them. "Stop blaming yourself. We're worried because we care about you, not because you did something wrong. Granted, we don't agree with what you did – "

Jungkook clears his throat pointedly.

"Right, sorry," Yoongi says, flushing. "My point is, it's not your fault and you shouldn't think it is, period."

Jin smiles, but a tear runs down his cheek. "I'll try to believe that, Yoongi." He wipes at his face. "Fuck, guys, I'm – I'm sorry, I'm trying – "

"Don't apologize," Jimin begs. "You've done enough of that already."

Jin knows exactly what he's talking about, and he feels like his stomach has climbed up into his throat. He closes his eyes.

"You've read the letters."

It's a statement, not a question. He waits for them to yell at him, but they don't, and that's almost more worrying. Tae's arm tightens around his shoulders and he opens his eyes.

"Say something, all of you," he says, ready to plead with them. "Say anything."

They sit and stare at him, silent, until Jimin says, "I didn't know you were so proud of me."

Jin looks up in surprise. "Don't I – "

"You tell me all the time," Jimin tells him, "but I never really believed it."

Jin's face softens in understanding and cold recognition.

Hobi chimes in, "I didn't know I was your hope," and the boys all laugh.

Jungkook takes Jin's hand. "I didn't know how much you believed in me," he says. Jin pulls him into his lap, holding him close.

"I didn't know you liked my smile," Tae says, and although his expression is light his voice is heavy. "I didn't think anyone did, because I don't."

Jin's heart breaks a little. "Tae..."

The tension is back, but it's quickly broken by Yoongi, who snorts and tells him, "I didn't know adamant you were about not letting Namjoon in the kitchen."

"Hey!"

But Jin laughs, and the sound makes all of the others sag in relief. "Well, you did put a spoon in the microwave."

"That was one time!" Namjoon protests.

"Something blew up, Joon."

They're all laughing now, at ease in each other's presence, and Jin is content. He hasn't been this happy in so long.

"Hyung?" Hobi asks suddenly, looking concerned. "Did we say something?"

"What do you mean?"

Jin doesn't even realize he's crying until Jimin squeezes in beside him and wipes his cheeks. "Did we upset you?"

"No," Jin says, and a laugh bursts past his lips as he holds his boys closer to him. "No – God, no – I'm happy. You're all here with me and – and I love you all so much."

Yoongi is visibly torn between scoffing and crying. Hobi smiles.

"Promise you won't try something like that again, hyung," Namjoon says. His eyes are desperate. "Please."

Jin leans forward and kisses his forehead. "I promise," he says, and he means it.

Then Jungkook looks up at him and asks, "Do you remember what you wrote in your letter to me, hyung?"

Jin stares at him blankly. "Which part of it?"

"When you said you feel like you've raised but even though you're not my family."

"Oh – right." Jin flushes. "I'm sorry if you weren't comfortable with that, I wasn't really thinking.."

Jungkook rolls his eyes. "Don't be ridiculous. Of course I'm comfortable with it."

Jin's confused. "Then why – "

"Because I thought you already knew," Jungkook says, and hugs him tighter. "You are my family."

Jin nearly cries again.

fin.