letters | ksj ✓

07

Jungkook takes up the majority of the bed when he's asleep, but Jin doesn't mind. The elder is sitting leaned against the headboard, feet tucked securely beneath him.

He's taken out his notebook, ready to write, but has only ended up staring at the page for what feels like hours.

Jin looks back up at Jungkook. The maknae's words are echoing in his ears – we don't deserve you, hyung, and we love you – and he feels like absolute garbage for doing this to him, to all of them.

But it's for the best, he thinks, because once he's gone they won't have to worry about him or put up with him or deal with him at all. Once he's gone they can be happy.

The thought of this gives him more motivation to write, and he starts on the next page with, Dear Jungkook.

For a second he's unsure of how to start the letter. He'd started Yoongi's with a simple word of acknowledgement, Taehyung's with a plea, Hoseok's with gratitude, and Jimin's with pride, but Jungkook is a different story. Should he be soft? Should be ease into it? Should he rush through and get it over with?

Jin doesn't really know what to do, but he takes a wild guess. He thinks of his and Jungkook's conversation and the words come easily.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

He stops. He doesn't have to say what he's sorry for; he thinks Jungkook will be able to piece the parts together. It's hard to write down all of the things he's apologizing for, and the cuts on his knuckles ache when he thinks about what he's putting them through. He's so sorry and he doesn't know how to make it better.

Jin makes himself breathe. There's no use getting worked up over this.

I honestly didn't think it would get this far, really, even on the hardest days, because I had all of you with me. Don't ever doubt my love for you, please, because you boys are my world and I love you more than anything. I'm sorry for leaving. I don't want you to think you have anything to do with it. I've just been so tired.

He knows "tired" is an understatement as to how he's been, but he doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't know how else to say that he's tired of feeling like a dead weight, that he's tired of being less talented than all of them, that he's tired of being who he is and of living the life that he does. He doesn't know how else to say that he's tired of pretending to be someone he's not, because that's all he's known to do for so long and he doesn't know how to stop.

I hope you know how proud I am of you. I'm not your family and I won't try to be, but I feel like I've raised you. I remember when you were a fifteen-year-old rapper who was always homesick and scared and wanted to give up. Look at you now – you've graduated, you can sing, you can dance, and everyone knows who you are. I feel like a proud mom, Kookie. You're incredible.

Jin looks at Jungkook, who's spread-eagled on the bed. His features are sharper now, more mature and masculine than before, even though they look so innocent in sleep.

Jungkook isn't a child anymore. He's really grown up.

I'm going to miss you, Jin writes before he can stop himself, and he feels a tear run down his cheek. He exhales sharply. I'm going to miss you so much. You've made me so happy. I'm so grateful for you.

I've asked your hyungs to take care of you while I'm gone, so I think it's only fair to ask you to listen to them, alright? They love you, Kookie, so please don't give them a hard time. Don't stay up too late, don't work out too much, don't forget to eat, and don't argue with the others, if you can help it.

He knows Jungkook will probably argue with them anyway; the kid is too stubborn for his own good.

That's okay, though, because Jin has always loved him for it.

I want to say that you're a good kid, but you're not really a kid anymore, are you? No, you haven't been a kid for a while. You've grown up, right in front of me, and I've hardly noticed. You're a man now, and I am so, so proud of that.

I'm glad I got to watch you become who you are. You're an amazing person – so kind, so considerate – one of the best I've ever known. I have a feeling you'll only get better as time goes on, anyway, and I'm sorry that I won't be there for it but I'm glad you'll have the others. They love you, Kookie. They'll be there for you no matter what happens.

Don't give up on your dreams. I know you think you might be a bit out of reach, but I know you can do it. If you want to go into acting, like Taehyung, you can do that. If you want to be a dancer, I'm sure Jimin and Hobi will be delighted. Even if you want to quit BTS and start a solo career, you will have our support. The boys might not be too happy at first, but they want the best for you, just as I do. We all believe in you – you're the Golden Maknae for a reason.

Jeon Jungkook, I love you with all my heart.

Jin has trouble expressing his affection. Those few words can't say what he wants them to, but he hopes Jungkook will understand.

I wish you the best and trust that you know what you're doing. I'll miss you.

Love, Jin.