Dear Luke

01

Dear Luke,

                 I know you probably won't read this, but I can pretend. I can pretend that someone cares- that you care. I just wanted to let you know that you, and the rest of 5 Seconds of Summer, really have turned my life around. I have been clean for one month now! I haven't drank in three months or smoked.

When I first heard you on YouTube, it made me happy like nothing else could. I wish I could meet you and tell you how much you really have helped me. But that will never happen; my father would never let me. He doesn't even like me listening to you.

I know you’re on tour at the moment so you won't get these letters for a few months, but writing these helps clear my mind. It helps clear out all the horrible words and depressing thoughts. You'll never meet me or know who I am and it's better that way because then when I let you down or when I finally leave; you won't be hurt or affected. I don't want to let any more people down. I've already done that enough. It's better now though because no one cares about me, so there is no one to hurt.

My mother’s finally made contact with me, after ten years. Not that you know what went on in my childhood, I just have no one else to tell. I hid it in my bedroom but while I was at school my father found it and ripped it up. I'm fine with it, I guess, I mean I haven't seen the women since I was five-years-old, so it really shouldn't mean that much to me. The only thing I can remember about her is that she left us, me and my father, I remember that day very well. I saw her packing the bags and I saw my parents fighting. I didn't understand what was going on. When she finally left my father started throwing things around the house and he started drinking, I guess that's where I picked up my habit from.

I bought a guitar a while back, I don’t have it anymore though, my dad broke it. He told me to "Stop making a racket and get rid of the dammed thing!" I don't really care I guess, I couldn't really play anything, I'm talentless. Unlike you, you're amazing. I wish I was as talented as you. There's a girl in my school kind of like you, she's called Laura. She can play the guitar, piano, keyboard, flute, trumpet, drums, clarinet, saxophone, violin, cello, double bass, and she can sing. She wins every competition we have in school too; she's been singing, dancing and acting since she was three. I never got any special treatment like that. The most special I've ever been treated is when my best friend, Dan, committed suicide. I went to see a mentor for weeks on end, I was upset but nothing else was really wrong with me. They said there was, but there wasn't. To be honest the only thing other feeling I had other than sadness was guilt. He jumped off the school roof. Our school roof is four stories high. I was up there with him, I tried to stop him, but when I went out to grab his hand, I was too late. Everyone blamed me. But they were all liars because while he was alive they told him to kill himself, they got their wish. They like to pretend they were friends with him, but they weren't. They always bring flowers to his grave and say "We know how much you loved them", and that is defiantly a lie, he had hay fever. I don't say anything though, I guess it's nice that he has visitors; I can bear to go there, not for anyone. 

I'm saving up to buy tickets for one of your concerts; I'm halfway there at the moment. I hope I get enough money because I really want to go see you live, even if I have to go by myself. I've bought and downloaded all of you tracks, I listen to them all the time. They keep me happy, they keep me going. For a while at least. I hope, if you read these letters, you don't think about them too much. I don't want you to worry, just in case. If you do think about them, don't, please. I'm only writing them to get things off of my chest and tell you how much I love you.

Love,

          Allison.