Dear Luke

04

Dear Luke,

                      I've been forced into this stupid concert at school and I'm really scared. The schools music department said they heard me singing and playing the guitar a few months back and they said they thought I was really good. I told them I don't have a guitar but they're going to lend me one. I really don't want to do it, but I can't back out because everyone will call me a chicken. But if I do it they will make my life even more of a hell. What if I mess up? What if I embarrass myself in front of the entire school?

I wish I was more like you because you are so confident and talented and well I'm me. I know I'll mess up because it’s just in my nature, I can't even sing. I have picked a song to play but the teachers keep telling me to smile whilst singing it, but it’s a sad song. I don't want to smile while singing it; I think it’s disrespectful, smiling through a song about someone dying or getting bullied. 

He teachers say that I just need some confidence but after getting knocked down so much and for so long I don't think there's any chance that I will ever be able to build it back up again. My self-esteem’s the same. But what people say is true. I am ugly. I am stupid. I'm not beautiful. I'm not talented. Everything they say is true, I guess in a way they are helping me. 

That's not the only thing I'm scared about, this boy said that if I don't pay him £50 by next Monday he's going to beat me up and take all my school things. There is no chance in me getting that money by then, or ever! He can't take all my things again my father will literally kill me. I've only just gained enough money to pay back for the bus fair I lost. My father actually has a lot of money he just hates giving it to people.

I heard you're still in Australia at the moment, I hope you're still enjoying it. I'll write soon.

Love, 

            Allison.