Joint Confessions

| Warm Ways |

WARNING: this chapter contains depictions of mental illness, rape, and violence. Reader's discreation is advised.

Toto

I ignored Dan for a couple days. He'd called me a few times, left me two or three voicemails and he had texted me more than I could count.

He walked over to the house the morning after the party but Rob told him I didn't wanna see him at the moment which I appreciated.

Id watched him walk back to his house, his head hung low. I knew he was upset with me which was part of why I was avoiding him.

I just felt awkward like I'd made all bad choices from the start. Parts of me regretted not just kissing Dan and talking to him about being together.

The other part of me, the one that was jaded and caged by fear said I was right to keep him close but also at arms length.

But I also had a strange feeling that although Dan wanted to kiss me, something always held him back too. Like there was more going on than we ever usually said to one another.

Either way I was feeling conflicted and I played Olivia kissing Dan over and over in my head like a broken record.

It was painful and trying. I wanted to stop it but I couldn't help it. After all I was a Taurus. We feel deeply but we don't do well showing it.

Yes I love astrology. It makes sense to me.

Not to mention that there were a lot of things I hadn't really told Dan. Most of them had to do with why I had no friends.

I knew that there was a part of me that wanted him to know and then of course there was the part that whispered "he doesn't care about your feelings Toto. No one does so stop trying so hard."

I knew that voice was wrong logically but I'd listened to it for a long time.

And then of course there was the stuff that went down with Olivia way back. I sucked in a breath as I sunk into my bed further. It felt like yesterday when I was that sad lonely girl dealing with too much to function.

"Hey Toto?" There was a knock at the door and my mom stood in my door frame.

I looked up from the covers where I was reading a book and cuddling with Folly.

Folly hopped off the bed and over to my mom for pets.

"What's up?" I asked setting down the paperback novella I'd been enjoying.

"I know you told your brother to send Dan away last time but he's downstairs in the living room and I think you should talk to him," she said cautiously as she scratched Folly's ear.

I felt my chest freeze and I wheezed inwardly.

"I don't want to," I said picking up the book and looking at it, trying to ignore my mom's probing stare.

I could hear her tapping her foot under her big colorful skirt.

"Toto..." she sighed and sat on the edge of my bed.

"I know things haven't always been easy for us especially for you but I can tell that your friend down there really does care about you," she said.