vitreous / hs. (DISCONTINUED)

why am i so alone

V I T R E O U S - E L E V E N
atlas

I'm starving. I'm sitting at the foot of my cot, staring at the wall with the writing on it, and I'm starving.

I clutched my stomach with my hand as it groaned and bubbled. I didn't like this feeling; I felt weak. My body needed food and all I was going to do after was try to puke it out. Absolutely hopeless.

"You know, they're watching us."

"Yeah, Ines, I know."

"They think they've got us wrapped around their fingers."

I sighed, leaning my chin onto my knees. I clenched my jaw. "Yeah,"

"Do you listen to them?" She asked me.

"I try not to."

"Yeah," she breathed. "Me too."

There was silence for a few minutes before Ines spoke up once again.

"Why do they treat us like this?"

"I... I don't know." I sighed softly, upset. "I don't know, Ines."

"I'm sick and tired of being underestimated and undermined because my brain doesn't work like theirs." Her voice cracked. "I'm-- we're human too, are we not?"

I looked over at her and saw that she was curled up in a ball on the floor, at the edge of her cot. She had her head planted between both her knees like I did.

"We're human." I confirmed. "Humans judge humans; we're just judged more harshly than most."

A tear fell from my eye without warning. I didn't feel it coming nor did I feel sad; I was just upset. I was more frustrated than I was sad, but I was sad all the time.

"They think they can control us, like... like drones." She said.

"Yeah,"

"They're wrong," she laughed from her bed. "I've got a mind of my own. I hope you do too."

"And why is that?" I asked.

"Because you aren't an awful person,"

For some reason, I smiled. I hadn't thought Ines had liked me at all. Maybe this was just her passive personality talking, or she was lying to me. I didn't mind; I breathed out.

"Thanks." I told her.

"Of course."

Ten minutes passed, then twenty, then thirty. All I could hear was the sound of my beating heart and Ines breathing slowly on the other side of the room. I didn't mind it.

This was the first time I had ever felt calm on my own. Controlled. I most definitely felt calm around Arrow but hardly ever by myself. I guess the fact that it was late at night and that I was sitting here making less-than-small-talk with Ines was what helped me feel contained.

I had lost track of how long I'd been here for. A week, maybe two, maybe three. I wasn't sure at all.

It was cold and dark and empty in our room. It was lacking sustenance and it was desolate and it was somber and aphotic. I loathed it and I loathed myself. I am lacking sustenance and I am desolate and empty and somber and cold and absolutely lightless.

I am nothing but a body stripped of a healthy mind and an enamored heart. I have a contagion in my veins and a grave in my chest where my soul lay barren and brute. I am nonexistent inside.

God help me I cannot stand myself. I want to cave into myself and shatter into a million and one depressing, god damn awful little pieces. I want to be snuffed out like the dying flame of a melting candle.

I jumped when I felt a cold hand press to my back. I had been so caught up in my own devastation that I didn't realize I had been shaking.

"You're crying." Ines spoke. I didn't realize that either. She hugged me. I didn't expect that at all.

I sat there with sticky cheeks and blurry eyes for a minute. All I could physically feel was Ines' chest breathing against my back as she hugged me from behind, her arms wrapped around my shoulders.

I could feel her hair sticking to my tear-stained face and my lips. She had her head stuffed into the crook of my neck and her nose against my collar.

All I could see was darkness and even though I couldn't see a thing it was blurred. I was still shaking and I couldn't stop. I didn't know how. I also didn't know how I suddenly plummeted.

"Why are you hugging me, Ines." It wasn't spoken as a question. It was spoken monotonously without hint of emotion.

"You're crying." She muttered against my neck.

I sniffed. "Yeah, I know." I said. I didn't move, I didn't even bother shrugging her off; she felt like a monkey, slung around my neck.

Ines sighed and I felt her breath fan against my neck. Goosebumps rose everywhere. "You cry in your sleep a lot."

"Do I?"

"Yeah, often." She said. "I don't help because the nightmare is no different when you wake up."

I didn't answer. I agreed with her, but I didn't answer. We both sat, her arms slung around me still, for quite some time. I never really stopped shaking, nor crying either. I was just letting tears fall from my eyes anyways.

Ines let go without a word. I didn't move, I just sat slouched and stared into the void. I felt Ines back up and hop off my cot. She shuffled over to hers and the springs squeaked as she lay in it.

"It'll get better, Atlas. Not today, not next week, not ever. But it will get better." And with that she went to bed, leaving me alone and confused.

I spent the next hour interpreting her words, and I never understood them.

gif on the side is Ines