vitreous / hs. (DISCONTINUED)

all my body is shaking

fair trigger warning for this chapter, read at your own risk.

I strongly recommend listening to the song on the side while reading, it's tragically beautiful and fits the story very well. its called spine by gem club.

alsooooo, the gif of harry on the side is what he's supposed to look like in this. well, if you picture him with sunken eyes and hollow cheeks and you know, kinda corpse-like. he isn't supposed to be good-looking in this fanfic, keep in mind.

V I T R E O U S - T E N

{arrow}

“I don't like it in here. I'm all alone.” I said aloud to the red blinking light in the top corner of the room. It was flashing in the dark; I knew they were watching me.

There was no response, the red light kept blinking in the darkness and I looked at it.

Die, die, die. I thought.

I shakily raised my arm and pointed my fingers at it in the shape of a gun. “Pow.” I muttered, shooting it down.

I took in a deep breath. It's hard to breathe sometimes. I don't feel like I'm suffocating but I don't feel like I have the strength to do it. I'm okay with not breathing.

“How do you feel?” I said, speaking quietly to the camera. They could hear me, I was sure of it.

I weakly pushed myself over to the edge of my bed and ley my elbows on my legs. It hurt to move; I felt powerless. It's okay though because it means I'm getting skinny.

“You make us miserable. Is that what you're trying to do? I'm worse than I've ever been since I got here. You— ” I hesitated. “I hate it here.”

I tried to keep my voice from cracking but I couldn't really help it. I wanted to cry.

“You... you make us sit in cells. I'm alone in here. I'm alone in here and I hate it. I don't have anyone here. There's no one. Quinn killed himself. I might do it too. You guys are going to try to stop me but you can't watch me forever, you know.”

I picked at the skin on my arm; I wanted to rip it off. Fat, fat, fat, fat. Skin is fat. I would weigh less if I didn't have all of this ugly extra skin on my arms and legs and stomach.

“I think it's funny because you think you're helping us. Take the truth as it is: you're making us worse. Shoving food and pills down our throats is not going to cure us. Things like that make us want to kill ourselves. Can't you see? You make me want to die.”

I brought my arm back up again, my fingers folded into the shape of a gun, and shot at the camera. I turned my hand towards me and shot at my head a few times, never breaking eye contact with the red blinking dot.

“I hate this place, I hate all of you.” I spoke quietly. “I'm a desolate, hopeless patient. There's no point in trying, not that you do. You're all scum.” I spat.

I didn't realize I was shaking. My arms, shoulders and chest were shaking. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated it here.

I'm not getting better, I thought. Eating disorders consume you until there's nothing left.

“They're a… a virus.” I croaked. “Once you're infected, there's no getting rid of it. You can suppress it, you can hide it, you can treat it, but it just doesn't stop. It takes control of you and then it... it kills you.”

I whimpered quietly and wiped the tears that were pooling in my eyes. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. It was getting hard to breathe.

Maybe I'm dying, I thought.