when i reached the age of thirteen things got a lot harder. my dad got really sick, and as his death grew closer, so did our relationship. he apologized for all the shit he had done to me and our family. for all the alcohol he had consumed instead of spending time with us. he gave me this whole speech at the town pool. i didn't cry. i couldn't let him see that i was ever affected by him. instead i PROMISED him it was okay that he had never hurt me even though he had. it was easier to lie to him. i should have saw the signs before he died but i was so young, how could have i prepared for those three words spoken in that choked voice i had never heard my cousin use? 'your dads dead.' she said. i almost collapsed to the floor. you see, i was so blind to the fact that my own father was dying that this actually came as a shock. i didn't say a proper goodbye when he told he was going to the hospital. i simply told him i loved him and would see him soon. little did i know soon would not come. after my dad died, something in me did too. i started self harming and starving myself. i wanted to die i wanted to die i wanted to die. all i had during this time was my best friends and a band that some of you may be familiar with, one direction. i clung to them, because just like my father i had an obsessive personality. i made my whole life about this band because they made it hurt less. they were actually the reason i stopped cutting at all. one direction truly saved my life. this wouldnt be the last time i needed someone to save me though. 13 was just the beginning.
