r a n d o m t r a s h

Idk ~ Alyssa

Trigger warning? Possibly? I mean, it's my thoughts so most likely, sorry.

So this is pretty much how my night goes (with a bit of rounding bc who actually checks the clock every half hour);

9:00: I watch Netflix (I'm in the middle of Gilmore Girls rn)

10:00: still watching Netflix, but around this time I usually pause it and get food from the kitchen (mmm late-night cinnamon toast crunch m8)

10:30: I begin to think 'wow I should rly try to go to sleep' but then quickly dismiss the thought and continue Netflix binging.

11:00: still watching Netflix, not v interesting.

11:30: I decide to turn off the TV and try to sleep but can't because of my irrational fear of the dark

11:35: I am finally relieved of my misery by getting some late night snapchat notification and I open it even tho I know that it's just streaks and I don't actually have frens

12:00: by this time I've gone through everyone's stories, refreshed it many times, and all of the lil things on the discovery page.

12:30: since I'm now unable to sleep, I open twitter bc I have a lil red number in the corner of the app and I cannot go to sleep unless my phone is completely rid of notifications

1:00: after spending way too long on twitter (and possibly instagram if I'm in the mood), I move onto tumblr and look up depressing quotes and then wallow in my own sorrow and self pity for and think about how I hate myself for least an hour.

2:00: I check the time, half surprised by how long I've been on the internet and try to sleep again. Once I realise that I'm so utterly terrified of the dark once again, and that I can't even get up to turn on the light, I go back online and google "why am I afraid of the dark"

2:30: after googling why I'm afraid of the dark and getting no sufficient answers, in my drowsy state I accidentally tap "images" and scare myself half to death with the images that show up. I then curl up in a ball and cover myself in my duvet whilst crying to myself, barely able to breathe, in the dark about how terrified I am and how I'm such a baby

2:45: after my panic attack/absolute mental breakdown is over, I get rly bad thoughts about how much I hate myself and how I'm such a failure and everyone hates me and how I'd be better off dead :) theeeennnn, I cry some more.

3:00: I decide that I'm going to be productive and channel all of my self hatred and depressive thoughts into my writing by going on Wattpad and trying to write. That is until I write like 26 words then get major writing block but then I come up with an idea for a new story which I have completely planned out in my head and write it all down (but then the next morning I realise I hate it and delete the story).

3:30: I look up at the glow in the dark stars I have taped to my ceiling and then get terrified bc I have a Supernatural poster on my ceiling as well (I have no more room on my walls) and I get rly freaked out that Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki and Misha Collins and Mark Shepard are all watching me.

3:45: I go onto YouTube and see a bunch of new videos in my recommended so I click on one (usually an animation like TheOdd1sOut) and then I end up binging like a million of those videos until somehow I get into those weird videos like "girl allergic to sunlight" and "mermaid girl" and "she had lice for 4 yrs and just got it out" but then it turns into stuff like "are you depressed?" and "do you have anxiety" which I always realise is a 100% yes, but then it turns into videos like stories about bad car crashes and suicides and people with eating disorders then I start watching those rly depressing short films about suicide and anorexia and shit, ya know?

5:00: yes I'm not kidding I literally do that for over an hour and by then I'm like actually kind of tired and I just turn on "Midnight" by Coldplay bc it always helps me fall asleep, that or "To Build A Home" by The Cinematic Orchestra or "The End Of All Things" by P!ATD. And then I end up eventually falling asleep or laying awake until I have to wake up.

This is just on a normal night. Rn I'm in between my twitter and tumblr stages and I'm writing this.

If it's late where you are while you're reading this, then have a good night:)

~Alyssa