|Our Love is More than God| JD x reader

Why I have not updated.

I apologize for not updating in a while, basically I haven't been feeling great recently (the last 3 years). If you want to read some angsty shit about me continue but if not just know that I will update as soon as I can.

So, I just feel sad all the time. Today I went to see a show which I usually love with two of my friends but the entire time they were talking and joking I felt like I was totally missing out. I couldn't even enjoy the show. I just felt so empty and distant from everyone. I have so many off days like this where I literally cannot find good in anything and I feel like they have only been increasing. So when I got home tonight I had a panic attack and I went to my kitchen and took 7 advils in hope to get rid of the pain and well, die (lol Ik that won't kill me but I literally didn't know what to do with myself). I just took them so I don't know what is actually going to happen but I'm writing this not trying to ask for attention or pity I honestly don't even really know if I want anyone to read this, I just really need to write about this because I feel like the fact that I can't find a way to talk to anyone is making me even worse.

But I just feel like I'm never going to be genuinely happy anymore. Also, I hate myself so much. I honestly believe I'm a bad person. I swear my two most soda things are "I should just kill myself" and "You ugly ass idiot, shut up." Also, I'm a horrible daughter. My mom is incredible and wants to connect with me but I'm basically like fucking Evan Hansen and I just can't. And then I hate myself for that. I literally just sit in my bed all day because I feel like I can't talk to anyone even my mom who is in the couch a room away watching tv all sad and all by herself. I also feel like I can't do anything right and all interaction makes me so anxious, especially over social media. I literally have a panic attack every time someone texts me, when it's over snap chat it's even worse because you can't see the message until you open it and that just makes me so nervous idk why. (Please someone tell me they can relate because I've tried explaining this to my friends and they don't understand at all).

So, I know I need therapy and mess for my illnesses and my mom has even confronted me about it but I've just ignored it. I just feel so horrible because honestly my moms life must suck. My older brother also has depression and she has to spend so so SO much money on his therapy and meds (they are so fucking expensive) and I don't want to add even more stress on her by adding me as another liability. She is always saying that I need to make sure not to end up like him. I feel like I have to pretend to be the perfect child and have no fucking mental illness that will cost us even more money. Not to mention my moms a single parent and my dad gives her no support so I just feel like shit.

Anyways,

Dear person who might still be reading,
You are either still reading because you like drama, you were hoping an update would be at the end, or you relate to all my shit. If the 3rd thing is the case it would honestly be great if you could reach out to me on here. I just think I really need to find someone I can actually talk to because honestly after writing all this I already feel .4% better. I honestly need to, (I'm sorry to quote a musical) be found. I don't know how much longer I can go on if I continue feeling so distant from everything and so worthless. I mean I basically gave up tonight.

Side note, if anyone knows the sideeffects of an taking  7 Advils, that would be appreciated.

Thanks fellow fucked up person.

Goodnight for now