Our Bittersweet Lives

[twelve]

My hair is falling over my face as I read my book. The doctors have let me sit up slightly now, which is so much easier. I reach up with a hand and entwine my slender fingers with my thick hair at the roots. Then I freeze.

This is all going to fall out. And soon. I had my first chemo dosage three mornings ago. It took about an hour. They gave me two injections, with doxorubicin and vincristine, into my arm, and then I had another drip attached attached to my other arm for most of the day, filling my body with cyclophosphamide. Normally, patients would get to go home, but because my cancer is already Stage 4, and they are worried about my brain damage, I'm staying right here.

So my hair is going to fall out. For sure, because Doctor Williamson said so, and I should hope he knows what he is doing. All of my long, dark brown hair that I spent forever growing to get back at my mother, who told me that it should be short, so it was out of the way. All of my hair that I love when Regina plaits with her amazingly skilled fingers. All of my hair that I can use to cover my face when I'm blushing.

I feel a splash on my hand. Looking down, I realise with a start that I'm crying. Over hair. Wow, my mother would tell me I'm pathetic. It is a bit pathetic, I suppose. It just...my hair is a part of me.

I have bruises and cuts all over my body, so the doctors have given me painkillers, but they make me really sleepy. I think I'll just lay my head down for a sec....

****

Beep.

Beep.

Beep beep.

Beep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

"Breathe, Taegan."

I can't. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I need air. Help....

"Deep breaths, come on now. I know you can do it, Taegs."

Breathe, breathe, come on you stupid lungs.... wait. Taegs?

I un-scrunch my eyes and see May standing there, looking intensely worried, but in her own clothes and standing perfectly healthy. A lot of time must have gone by! She's out of hospital, and out of the wheelchair!

I almost leap out of bed to hug her, then I realise I'm attached to about five different tubes. This is only the second time I've seen my friends, as Dr Williamson won't let them in because he doesn't want me getting too worked up.

"May!" I cry, my throat raspy. I smile widely and she smiles back. It's so good to see her.

She leans down and hugs me. "I missed you so much, Taegan! I'm all better now and am back home, thank goodness. With real food! Oh, sorry, I forgot that's what you are living on now..." May blushes, then continues, "and all the girls are well. I was here for my last checkup, and then I asked if I could visit you. I was on my way up when I heard doctors calling your name, and rushing about. I panicked, so ran up too. And here I am! But...I can't believe it! How...why...but you? You are the perfect, healthy, beautiful, amazing..." May trails off and turns away, pressing a hand to her mouth. It breaks my heart to see my best friend crying like this, especially over me, but I don't know what to do. I have cancer, I can't change that. Why? May's right. Why me? What did I do wrong?

"May..." I don't know what to say. "You know...you know I didn't choose this, right? There was nothing I could do to stop it. It just happens. It's awful, but it does. I'm sorry. But I'm strong. I'll fight it. I can do this, May."

She nods slowly. I can tell she's not convinced, and I'm not either. But I don't want to spend my time with my friend like this. So I give her a huge smile and say,
"So, how's school going?"

Thankfully, May takes the subject change in her stride. "Oh, awful!! The tests were terrible; you are so lucky you missed them! And the teachers won't stop going on about GCSE this, GCSE that. It's like, we got it already! Just let us go for summer break!"
I laugh, but it sounds more like a raspy cough. I see panic flicker in May's eyes, but then it's gone. She joins me in laughter.

Sometimes, I forget just how much this affects those around me, too.

All of a sudden, I'm crying, and May is at my side, hugging me and whispering into my ear that it's all going to be okay, that this will work, that I'm going to be fine. I want to believe her, but I know they are just friend-lies. Still, it's nice to hear them. I curl into May's arms and silently let the tears stream down my hot face.

****

"Here is your dinner, miss."

"Please, its Taegan..." but he's already gone. I mentally sigh; I don't have enough breath to actually sigh. They are all too polite. My head aches from all the crying earlier, but I am hungry, so I place my book down and reach over to my food tray.

I mentally sigh again. More over-boiled vegetables, tasteless chicken and chocolate slop. Of course. I nibble at the soft broccoli and carrots, but leave the chicken. I can't stomach that any more.

Suddenly, I'm very sleepy, so I roll over and try to get comfortable. There is something small and hard against my cheek, and it rustles...what is that? I reach my hand out to find it, but there is nothing there. I shake my head; they never told me imagining things was a side effect of chemo. I roll to my other side, but I can still feel it. This time I try inside the pillowcase, and my fingers touch something that feels like paper. I pull it out slowly and it is an envelope with my name on it. Opening it, I pull out a folded piece of yellow paper. On it are some lyrics that I recognise from a Bruno Mars song:

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,
I'll sail the world to find you.
If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,
I'll be the light to guide you.
Find out what we're made of,
When we are called to help our friends in need,
You can count on me, like 1,2,3, I'll be there.
And I know when I need it I can count on you,
Like 4,3,2, you'll be there,
'Cause that's what friends are supposed to do oh yeah

You are the best friend we have ever had, Taegan, and we aren't ever going to lose you. You don't deserve this, no one does, but it happened and we are going to get through it. We know you can do this. We love you always and forever.
Love, your best friends, May, Regina, Kate, Kyra and Zoe xxx

I'm crying and smiling at the same time. The envelope still feels heavy. I reach inside again, and I feel something small and smooth. Pulling it out, I see a beautiful silver chain, with a tiny pendant of a four-leafed clover. It has small green gems on each leaf. I turn it over, and see the word

luck

I smile a sad smile. What amazing friends I have. I miss them so much. I remember when we went to Paris, on that school trip together two years ago...it seems like only a few weeks have passed since we shared that tiny dorm.

I fall asleep with the happy memories playing in my head and tears upon my cheeks.

Hey!
Sorry it's been a while, but I hope you like it. Sorry it's a little boring, but the story is going somewhere, I promise.
See you soon, hopefully,

~Tiff xxx