Our Bittersweet Lives

[three]

The whole of Friday I'm just numb. I walk around like a zombie, only nodding or answering with a smile, yes or no. All of my emotions are locked up inside, resulting in me being blank. Empty. This is what happens when I get an emotional shock. I become a shell of a person.

I can hear Regina and Kate constantly asking me if I'm ok, tugging at my arms like anxious two year olds and looking pityingly into my eyes whenever I look up. But I don't answer all morning. I just devote myself 100% to my lessons, concentrating completely on what I have to learn, note down and listen to. I get through the whole of the morning like this, and then lunch rolls around. The girls drag me outside to our spot by the arches, where the sun is shining brightly and the wind is lightly ruffling the leaves of the trees. I sit down on the grass, feeling the dew soaking through my trousers and look up at my friends. They all smile down sympathetically at me, and then Zoe says,
"Come on Taegan. What's wrong? You can tell us you know. We're always -"
"-here for you. You know that don't you?" Finishes Kyra.
May reaches out and touches my shoulder. "Please, Tiggy-Tiger. We hate seeing you like this. We miss your crazy sarcastic jokes and eye-rolls." She smiles, and reluctantly I do too. They all sit down next to me in a circle, regardless of the wet grass and the fact that they will have wet butts later. Reaching out, I grab May and Regina's hands, who are sitting next to me. I open my mouth to speak, and I get as far as,
"My mum and dad...I mean...they..." before I break down and tears start coursing down my face. May immediately hugs me, and as I sob I can feel my chest getting tighter and tighter, and then there is a stabbing pain, and I can't breathe, and I'm crying harder. May rubs my back and tells me it's going to be ok. When I can control my breathing again and the pains have subsided, she looks at me and says,
"Come on, girls. I know it's not like us. But let's skip. C'mon. Just the afternoon lessons. For Taegan."

I smile gratefully up at May. Kyra and Zoe nod immediately, and Kate follows a second after.

I can see the conflict of emotions on Regina's face. She is the most studious out of all of us, and her favourite lessons are later today. I open my mouth and say,
"It's ok, Reg. You can stay. I understand. It's ok."
But she shakes her head, and then smiles weakly at me. "I'm coming. Are you kidding, Taegan? It's a girl skip. I wouldn't miss it for all my favourite classes in the world."

I stand up and give her the biggest hug ever. Then the girls take my hand, and as a line we walk out of school. Though my emotions are still running crazy and I can still feel the pressure in my nose that I get before I cry, with the warm hands of Regina and Zoe in mine, I feel so much better.

We walk to Kate's house to get changed to we don't stand out too much. Yes, we all have clothes at each others houses. Perks of best-friendship. We all put on jeans and hoodies and then head out to the cafe down the street. We rarely come here so there's no chance of being recognised.

When we've ordered out drinks and are sitting in a red booth, Kate puts her chin in her hands and says,
"Taegs, we will wait if you aren't ready to tell us what's wrong. But we really just want you to be happy. All we want is for you  to be happy. So we are here, with listening and patient ears. We love you."

I smile weakly again, and then start to tell the story of last night. The girls, credit to them, stay quiet the whole time, with only some eye widening at appropriate parts. When I finish, they all give me  hugs as best they can across the table, and then we start to talk. Just normal conversation. That's how our group goes when someone is sad. The talk, we on comfort quietly, and then we talk about something else and never bring it up unless the other person does. We make them feel as welcome, safe and loved as we can. And to know that's what they're doing means a lot to me. I join in the conversation and it makes me feel so much better, just to be giggling and gossiping like cliché teenage girls.