Our Bittersweet Lives

[thirteen]

Sunken, grey eyes. Pale face. Sharp bones. Very short hair. Shaking hands. I must be looking at a photograph...but no. It's me, in the mirror. Three months on, and the chemo isn't doing it's job. I'm not strong enough. The cancer is winning.

The doctors said they will try radiation therapy for the tumour in my brain, but that won't help my lungs, so I'll still die early. But it's better than nothing. It gives me a chance. That will start in four days.

But the good news is that I'm free! Radiotherapy doesn't happen in the hospital, so I can go home!

This morning is the first morning in weeks that I've woken up looking at my own white ceiling, under my own duvet in my own grumpy cat pyjamas.  The first morning in weeks I've eaten breakfast - actual breakfast! - at our kitchen table downstairs, and I ate the best porridge I've ever tasted. The first morning for weeks that I had a shower with my own mango scented body wash and dried off with my fluffy pink towel. And you have no idea how exciting it was to get dressed this morning! I'm now sitting on the sofa downstairs in my white skinny jeans, my grey cotton shirt and my pink vest top, waiting for a ding-dong to let me know that the girls are here. No matter how I look, I still know how to dress up for a day of shopping.

"Morning, Taegan. Up early, love, aren't we?" comments my father, as he walks past, blearily rubbing his eyes and clasping a steaming mug of something that is probably coffee. I give him a small wave, and then get to my feet because I've heard a car on our gravel drive, and now I can hear the excited voices of five fifteen-year-olds. Slipping my feet into flats, I head out the door with my bag on my shoulder and a smile on my face.

***

Strolling out of TopShop, we look like a formidable army in skinny jeans with bags of shopping as weapons. We've practically bought all the shops out of everything, and its been the most fun day ever. Finally finished, we are heading out of the mall to the train station, all weary but with huge smiles. This is one of the most fun days I've ever had with the girls, and even though the doctor said i should spend my days at home resting, I don't regret a minute of it. 

"Mother! Father! Judy, Mantha, I'm home!" I call out happily as I push open the door. the day has put me in high spirits, and I'm just thinking of whipping up some chicken and pasta for dinner for everyone,  when I walk into the kitchen to see the whole family ignoring me, at the table discussing plans for Australia. I drop my bags in shock - I didn't think they were actually serious about still going, and even if they are, I can't go with them. Angrily, I say,

"Hello? I'm home! Who wants dinner?"

"Not now, Taegan! Can't you see that we are busy? Go up to your room or something." Judy snaps. 

I leave the kitchen in shock. Judy doesn't usually snap, but clearly now everything has changed. 

                                                                                           ***

Tucking my short hair out of the way, I slip in my neon orange ear buds and turn the music on loud as I lay onto the table. The therapist places the face mask gently on with her warm, soft fingers, and asks me quietly to roll onto my side a little. I nod - I know the drill. I watch her a little fearfully as she crosses the room, flicks a switch and then exits. I can't see, hear, smell or feel the radiation seeping into my brain and shrinking the stupid tumor. But that doesn't calm the stampede of elephants in my stomach, so I turn up the volume even louder and sing along in my head. 

Five minutes later, the therapist comes back into the room and removes my mask. Helping me to sit up with a gentle hand in the small of my back, she smiles and says,

"How do you feel, Taegan?"

"A little dizzy, but okay, thanks." I answer, and then head out of the room to meet Regina, Kyra and Zoe in the waiting room. They greet me with open arms and huge grins, even though I know I look like a freak show; half of my hair is short and the other half - on the side where the tumor is - has fallen out, again. My skin is sallow and pale, and my eyes, dull. Still, it's nice to hug them and chat about nothing. 

School has finished for the summer now, and they have tons of stories about the Last Day Dance that I missed. For example - May is now dating a boy called Lewis (the "hot one" from debate) and Kate is with Bailey, a sweet girl in our year. According to the girls, Lewis isn't very nice, and is really controlling, but May is completely enamored, so they say nothing to her face. When I ask about their experiences at the LDD, the twins both shake their heads and remind me that they have boyfriends, and Regina tries to shrug nonchalantly but blushes bright pink, so I smile, exchange a glance with Zoe, but don't press it. 

Once home, I head up the stairs and collapse on my bed. Snuggling down, I fall asleep quickly, because the radiotherapy is making me tired. 

I really hope this radiotherapy works.

Hope you enjoyed, sorry its been forever and is a little boring...fighting the mushy middle. See you soon and thanks for reading, 

~Tiff xxx