The Worst Fanfics

Zane

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who had curves as bountiful as she had gold. Her eyes were blue as the sky and her mouth was like a tiny rosebud.

But that was a long time ago.

Now that girl is dead. 

You sat up in bed. She had been dreaming of her mother again, wondering how she had died all those years ago, and more importantly why she had given her daughter such a confusing name.

What?

No, of course not, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about YOU. That's her name.

It was still dark outside, and the rain drummed on the roof of one direction's tour bus. It dawned on You that life was, briefly, much better at Hogwarts before that fateful day when she made out passionately with Draco Malfoy and decided that she was going to go and tour with One Direction. 

So far, they hadn't done any touring, and the camper had spent most of its time parked in a ditch beside a pile of melted tires. Life on a tour bus should've been glamorous and exciting, but instead, You had to deal with a bunch of whiny pop-stars who were always hungry. She checked her watch. It was six am. Soon Shrek would be awake, and if she didn't make breakfast he would go ravenous and start trying to kill people. It didn't help that he was feuding with Maximus now. 

You got up and tried to neaten her mane of hair that had, at one point been perfect, but now looked like a stringy mop. It occurred to her that her life was slowly falling apart.  'Oh well,' she thought. 'At least still have my relationship with Draco.'

At least, she hoped she still had her relationship with Draco. Ever since they'd come on this stupid bus Draco had spent most of his time in a closet with The Cute One. They said they were just having business conferences in there, so You believed them.

She walked into the kitchen, and she noticed a terrible odor wafting out of the fridge. You opened it and found an entire bowl of moldy potato salad, untouched. Ugh. She was going to have to clean out the fridge again. About half an hour later, while she was bent over scrubbing out a Tupperware container of meatloaf that had been in there for who knows how long, Shrek lumbered in wearing headphones and watching American Idol on his laptop. 

"Have you made Eggs Benny yet?" Shrek asked.

"Listen why don't I make you some ordinary eggs? Eggs Benedict is quite a difficult dish, and very time-consuming." You said, her back still turned.

The room was eerily silent. You slowly turned around to the face of Shrek, green with rage. His caterpillar-like brows were furrowed and he shook with anger. 

"Please Shrek, not again." It seemed like Shrek was about to explode with rage, but at that moment, One Direction came in.

"Hey." You said. "Do you guys want some breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry." The Emotional One sat down at the table. 

"Oh, how come?" You sat down beside him. 

"Zayn is missing!" Said The One Who Bore a Strong Resemblance to a Goblin.