Skulduggery Pleasant - Songfics, Dribbles and Drabbles.

Ravel and the Bentley

Skulduggery threw an arm around Valkyrie's shoulders, "we could rule the world!"

Valkyrie shrugged out of his hold, and continued down the hall, "no."

"Hey, could you not walk away when I'm talking!" And then quieter, "spoilt brat."

"I heard that!"

"Good!"

Valkyrie stopped walking and turned around. "Skulduggery Pleasant." She stood tall, her shoulders pulled back, ready for a fight.

Skulduggery cocked his head, and laughed. "Valkyrie Cain."

He walked forward, and pressed her against the wall,  and tapped her shoulder, "VALKYRIE CAIN HAS THE CHEESE TOUCH!"

And then he bolted. Every sorcerer around her screamed, and ran, avoiding her like the plague. Valkyrie sighed, "fucking hell."

She walked over to the cells, saw Scapegrace and called him forward. "Come here, loser."

Scapegrace walked forward, "yeah?"

Valkyrie reached through the bars, and slapped him across the face. "Thanks," she said and walked away, continuing down to the throne room.

Ravel, Ghastly, and Mist all visibly pressed themselves against their chairs. Skulduggery turned to her, "I gave it to Scapegrace," she said and he nodded and turned back to face the Elders.

They all relaxed in their seats, Ravel breathing out a sigh in relief.

"So, um, Skulduggery I want you to go to the shops."

"Why?"

Ravel coughed, "well um, I need a pregnancy test and some chocolate." 

Valkyrie tilted her head, "what?"

Ravel looked at her, then away. "I, uh, well I have fallen in love with... uh, a car. And it well, it was a speaking car like in that David Hasselhoff movie."

Ghastly turned in his seat, and then he frowned and stood. He punched the Grand Mage in the face, "are you high?"

Ravel rubbed his jaw, and glared, "no."

"So, what?" Ghastly stood back, "you're pregnant? To a car?"

Ravel looked ashamed and glanced at Skulduggery.

Valkyrie burst out laughing, "of... of all... the... cars..." she said between breaths. "Oh... god, that's... a classic."

Skulduggery froze, "with the Bentley? You... you had sex with my car?"

Ravel looked to the ground, "uh, yeah."

"That is disgusting. You are feral." Skulduggery said, his head pulled back. 

Valkyrie grabbed Skulduggery's arm, in an attempt to steady herself. Her laughter echoed around in the otherwise silent room.

"Which part?" Skulduggery said quietly.

Ravel coughed, "well it started when I was walking past it, and I stopped to admire it. I've only really seen the car in action, and so i thought I'd look it at it while it was parked there, you're very good at reverse parking by the way, and the sun was glinted off the bonnet, and I walked around the front of it. I'm not a man of cars, Skulduggery. A car is just a car to me, just metal on wheels to get me from one place to another. But then I heard someone call my name, and I was on the passenger side," Ravel did not need to look at Valkyrie to know the girl was glaring daggers into his head, murder on her mind. He gulped and continued, "and the whisperings got louder and I leaned in, and just gave the door a little... a little peck. And the metal felt so good against my lips, so soft and smooth, and I trailed my hand down and opened the door."

"NO!" Valkyrie roared, stalking up the Ravel, who shrank back in his seat. "Tell me you did not do it on my side."

Ravel looked down again, and it was Valkyrie's turn to punch him in the face. Before she could take another swing, Skulduggery was there, pulling her away. "Come on, Valkyrie. We don't have time for freaks like him."

He pulled her out of the Sanctuary and Valkyrie shuddered as they walked over to the Bentley. Her door was open slightly still and she shook her head, opened the back door behind the driver's seat.

"We are getting this car cleaned, I don't give a fuck."