Doubt That

Rose

Adam and I sat eating. He had three different meals from the local Chinese place and I had chicken Kebab. Can't stand Chinese.

"You remind me of her a lot," said Adam, putting down his chopsticks and wiping his mouth.

"Of who?" I asked.

"Your sister."

I smiled to myself and took a sip of wine.

"What?" asked Adam with a grin on his face, one I hadn't seen in months.

"Just this lad from the group today. He said something similar about his girlfriends sister I think. He finds it hard to talk to her because it just reminds him of her."

I took another sip of wine and leaned back on the sofa, closing my eyes. I just needed to feel okay again. I needed to not feel obligated to talk to family members and answer questions in the same tone with the same fake smile. I needed to be allowed to be sad. Properly sad. Uninturrupted sad. And then I needed to recover in my own time. Feeling okay was such a distant memory.

"Whenever I think about her, it's like she's still here, like she hasn't gone."

I didn't open my eyes as Adam spoke, nor did I after. I just needed to be in my own head for a while longer.

"Not for me. Everytime I think of her, even if it's a happy memory or a place we used to go. I can see her fading away. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten her face. I can't quite remember where each freckle was, or where her scare fomr picking at her chicken pox was. It's like...like she's actually gone." I covered my mouth as my voice cracked and the tears began to spill. Adam grabbed my hand and placed his other on my back, rubbing it like a parent would.

"I always thought it would be as if nothing had ever changed, as if she was here yesterday. But it's all changed. I can't keep pretending anymore."

Adam's brow furrowed, "what do you mean?"

I sighed heavily and leaned forward, resting my head in my hands.

"I need you to not judge me, because I have done a terrible thing to somebody I truly love." I continued to look at my feet.

"Okay. Whatever it is, I promise," replied Adam, looking like a nervous school boy once again. One of his common and adorable looks.

I looked directly at Adam.

"I haven't told Isaac and the accident."

"So how does he think she died?" asked Adam in a slightly raised voice.

I ran my fingers through my knotted hair and tried not to scream at myself.

"He doesn't know. I haven't told him that she's dead." I burst into tears again from saying the word and for admitting my worst secret.

I stared at Adam as he sat in silence, watcched as he rubbed his face and looked more and more shocked by the second.

"Please say something," I begged.

"What do you want me to say?" he eventually shouted back at me.

"I don't know."

"I've no clue what to say to you right now! I can't get my head around what you were thinking."

"Clearly I wasn't! I kept meaning and meaning to tell him but it was too hard," I croaked as the tears poured out of me.

"Why didn't you ask me to say something?" Adam's tone changed and became gentle and sincere like usual.

"I should have been able to tell him. I've been with him for seven years and married for three. I wanted to tell him that she was dead. But I couldn't."

Adam stood up and pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tight. I didn't ever want to move from that position.

"I just don't know how he'll forgive me for this," I whispered into Adam's shoulder.

"Like you said, you've been with him for seven years. He loves you Rose, he'll understand.