I walked in step with Billy, feeling happy with the silence we were in. He looked particularly gorgeous today, especially his eyes.
"Melissa has started coming for dinner every night now."
I looked at my shoes as we spoke.
"I guess she's trying to be supportive."
"Nice try."
He smiled at me and our hands brushed pass each other.
"I feel like she's making all this effort because when the baby arrives she won't be around at all."
"I guess preparing to raise another human being is time consuming."
I felt awkward thinking he had once believed he would be a dad. And at the same time I admired that he was willing to stand by Alice through it.
"I'm going to ask you a personal question."
"Go ahead," Billy smiled at me, seeming to enjoy my frankness.
"Did you and Alice break up because she was pregnant?"
"No." Billy looked to the floor and stopped in his tracks.
"Is there somewhere we can go? So we can talk face to face?"
I nodded and walked him to my usual cafe.
"What's wrong?" asked Billy once our coffees arrived.
"I've only ever been here with Alex."
"Glad I could be the one to change that."
I wanted to jump up and kiss him right there. He made me feel like I was glowing from the inside out.
"Alice was my first love. And I can never explain why I loved her. My God she was annoying. She would always disagree with everything I said just because she could. Explaining to you how much I loved Alice would be like describing what water tastes like. It's impossible."
Billy looked sad as he spoke about her, but his voice still seemed cheerful enough.
"We were together for a year," he continued, "we met when she was 15, I was 17. I was too shy to ask her out and I knew her sister at the time so she set us up. We just clicked instantly you know? It's like we'd known each other for years."
He stopped for a minute. He finished his coffee then held my hand across the table.
"Six months ago she found out she was pregnant. We had the usual complications of parents and drama that comes along with teenage pregnancies. But Alice decided to keep it. And I was going to be there for her. Two months later, so about four months ago now, there was an accident."
He took his hand away and rubbed his two hands together, wiping the few tears.
"A van and a car hit each other...and Alice got caught in the middle. It was instant death they said. She didn't suffer."
I couldn't understand. He had never even talked about Alice as if she was gone. He always talked like he still saw her.
"I lost her and the baby. And I still love her. I always will. Because grief is just love that you can't give. Grief is love with no place to go."
And that was so hard to hear. I knew why he would always love her, that's what first loves are like. And she was snatched from him. So I understood. But I just wished he could love me like that.
YOU ARE READING
Doubt That
General Fiction"I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me. My imagination terrifies me and I always get lost in my own thoughts. I talk to myself. I'm always running 'what if' scenarios through my head. I'm incredibly lazy. I live in la-la-land. I'm always h...