Doubt That

Billy

I stroked her hair and played with it between my finger tips as she lay blissfully unaware of anything in my arms. I wanted her to consume me right then and there. I needed her to possess me till I couldn't think about anything else than her. Naomi was so ignorant of the dark thoughts in my mind that she lay asleep cacooned in me, she wanted me to wrap her up. She looked so helpless and perfect.

"You're not depressed, Naomi."

I hated myself for stirring her like this. But it was the right thing to do somehow.

"You believe you're depressed because everyone's told you that you are."

Naomi sat up and pulled away from me, "I don't want to be depressed Billy, you know that. I've tried everything in my power to not be depressed but guess what, that's what I am."

"You're not." I sat up as well, ruffling my hair.

"Billy, yes I am."

"No you're not."

Naomi looked at me with the same severity and coldness she had used on most people many times. I could tell she was shutting me out already. I'd been too honest.

"I went to a therapist who diagnosed me with depression, who I think is a little more qualified than you."

"Naomi, when you went into that office, what did you tell them? That you hadn't been sleeping, bad dreams? Did you mention how you'd stopped doing all the activities at school you loved so much, never went out with your friends anymore or how your grades have been down recently? I bet you mentioned how you've been short tempered as well."

I waited a moment for Naomi to look at me,

"I've got news for you Naomi, you only said that because that's what they wanted you to say. Your dad, Melissa, probably even Theo have told you those exact same things a hundred times. They think something's wrong, you tell the therapist something is wrong, and bamm...you've got depression."

Naomi looked at me stunned, speechless and as if she was about to cry.

"Are you saying they want me to be depressed?" Naomi backed away from me.

"God no. They're concerned, and rightly so. Your life has been fucked up recently. They're just looking out for you. But what you're doing, the so called symptoms; not sleeping, a lack of intrest in what you used to do, not focusing in class and being short tempered... that's all perfectly normal. You lost people Naomi, you're allowed to be sad and you're allowed to be different."

I walked over to Naomi and hugged her tightly.

"Why would you want to do normal things if your life is never going to be normal again?"

As she hugged me back I felt her relax into me. She was letting me back in.

"You're not numb. Everything that you feel, every emotion is almost heightened with you. You care about everything and everyone. I'm not saying you not unhappy because I know that you are. But you feel so much more than most people. Depressed people don't feel anything. They try, and they will care occasionally about super cool, sarcastic girls, but they can't feel a god damn thing."

Naomi hugged me tigther. That was me telling her the truth. She knew.

***

"As much as I love Chris Evans and all 'Captain America' movies, you have to admit that 'Civil War' is more of an Avengers movie."

Melissa took a sip of her water and did a sideways grin at me.

"Just because it's got Iron Man in doesn't mean it's an Avengers movie," Naomi rolled her eyes at me after she spoke, "you're supposed to be on my side!" she threw a cushion at me from the other sofa.

"I can't argue with the sanity and logic of Melissa."

I goofed a smile at them both.

"Thank you," Melissa patted my hand and grinned at the not so pleased Naomi.

"Melissa is no-where near sane, but cold hearted and logical, definitely."

Melissa threw a cushion at Naomi, it was nice to se them getting along again.

I always wanted  a brother or a sister. Just seemed nice to have someone to confide in, someone who would always forgive you so when you'd fallen out with your best friend you could talk to them about it. Permanent friend.

Naomi and Melissa could pretend all they wanted to hate each other but even I knew they were as tight as thieves. They just needed to remember it again.

Watching Naomi with Melissa and William was quite hard sometimes. As individuals they were all miserable but continued on, fumbling through there lives. But togehter, as a unit, they were broken. I feel like that's when it them hardest. They tried to function as a family but couldn't because their family was destroyed. It pained me to see how hard they tried to make everything work, but I admired them for trying.