Doubt That

Rose

"You didn't need to take me to dinner you know."

"Relax, it's not a date. You're married and I'm gay."

Jack smiled back at me, enjoying teasing me.

"Weirdest episode of EastEnders ever."

I took a sip of my wine as we chatted.

"Wouldn't know, don't watch it."

Jack looked puzzled.

"I live in a soap free household," I raised my glass at him.

"Must be awfully smelly then," he retorted.

I burst into laughter, "not bad."

We both ate a few mouthfuls of our food.

"I thought all you youngsters watched it?"

"I'm not a youngster. Look at me. I'm an adult, I'm married, I've got a job."

"Alright old woman. What do you do?"

Jack put his fork down to listen to me, and I did the same.

"I'm a children's nurse."

"Not a doctor?"

"God, why does everybody say that like it's a disappointment, like I didn't make it or something?!"

We both laughed and waited for a few minutes. Well, Jack waited for me to continue.

"I work on the oncology unit, so cancer."

"You realise you chose to work with the two most difficult things?"

I ate another mouthful of spaghetti, "everyone also says that."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I've always wanted to work with kids and I guess I like helping people."

Jack shook his head "it's gotta be tough. I bet it gives you some scars."

I smiled, "it's worth it."

I looked out the window for a moment. The rain ran down the surface of the glass and I watched as two raindrops ran to the bottom, pretending it was a race like I used to on long car journeys when I was little.

"There was this one time with this little boy. He was four years old and he'd been on the unit for three weeks but the cancer was reoccurring and terminal this time. He couldn't get to sleep so I had read him a bed time story, one I used to read when I was small. In the morning... I went to go and see him and he wasn't there. I asked the overnight staff and he'd gone to the ICU and died a few hours after I left. I... I didn't even get to watch him get really ill. That sounds terrible. But kids get really sick and you know and their parents know and even they know they're going to die. But not him. I can't forget his face. I can't forget any of their faces."

I wiped a single tear from my cheek.

"So that's the worst?"

"God, probably not," I smiled "the good stories make up for the bad ones. I get to help another child live and that's the main thing."

"What does your husband think of it?"

"Isaac? He hates the hours...but he's a do-gooder. He's coming back from Chile where he's been getting clean water to the poor there... he's pretty great."

"Did your sister like him?"

I nodded and gave him a sad smile, "yeah, yeah she did. They were like best friends."

Jack gave me a knowing smile. He knew that the fact that Isaac and Mae had been so close made me not telling him harder.

At the end of the day I had been selfish. I was selfish and it was something I had to accept about myself. I'd been beating myself up for months about how shitty I was to Isaac and how I don't deserve the kindness that Adam had shown me, or the kindness and sympathy Jack was giving me now.

I was in owe of Jack. He wasn't a together and steady person. Those of us who are, we're just faking it. But Jack was so real. Somehow he was dealing with Marley's death and getting through it. He sat there, eating away and you never would have guessed that a few months ago the love of his life was murdered. He had this incredible ability to accept things. Whoever he ended up with would be very lucky.

"How long till he comes back?"

"A week," I shuddered at the thought.

A week until my world ended. It wasn't that I doubted Isaac loved me or wouldn't forgive me. Admitting to Isaac that Mae was dead, that I had lied to him, was admitting what I'd done. That meant I had become someone I never wanted to be. It was the realisation that without my sister, I was a different person. A person I didn't want to be.

People forget that having a sibling shapes who you are. Whether you're younger, older, middle or only child. It shapes your personality. The way I react to things, how stubborn I am, how ambitious I was at university. It all comes from being a younger sister. Having that taken away from you was bound to alter who you then became.

Whenever I was having a bad day and being unreasonable, Mae would just give me a look. She didn't care that I was rude to her but she wouldn't let me do it to other people that didn't deserve it. She tempered me out. That was part of her unofficial role as older sister. My role of course was to drive her crazy and be so stupid that she had no choice but to laugh. And when someone had pushed her over I'd stand up for her as she was usually too nice.

"What you doing tomorrow?" I asked, interrupting my own train of thought.

"Probably having a takeaway."

Jack smiled at me, eager for me to suggest something else.

"I think I'm going to try making tuna pasta bake. Fancy joining?"

"Don't think I've ever tried that, how can I refuse."

I wrote down my address and phone number on a napkin and handed it to him.

I knew he was going to be good for me.