Demons (Jonathan Toews)

Chapter Nine

“Hey, you wanna spend the weekend over here?’ Jon’s caring voice echoed through the other end of my cell phone, sending a large tooth-bearing smile onto my soft lips. As I raked a hand through my tangled hair, I let my eyes wander around my vacant dorm room, and finally rest on the large canvas with a few darker colors smeared on it. I had three paintings due by Tuesday, and I really needed the whole weekend to work on them. Then again, I really wanted to see Jon.

It had been two weeks since we had went out with his friends, and he slipped the word love into our conversation. Ever since then, we acted like we were a couple, like we didn’t meet at a failed suicide attempt of my own, and like we weren’t two drastically different people in society. He would call me every night around nine, and when he had a game, he would call me as soon as he got home. Although it was awkward at first, I eventually grew comfortable with the idea that maybe someone cared about me like this, that maybe someone could actually love a broken, fucked up thing like myself.

“I’m working on some paintings that-“

“Paint here,” He said quickly. As I shut my eyes, I could see his smug smile and large puppy dog eyes staring me down, begging me to stay and drink some tea and just sit on his couch and watch movies.

“I don’t want to make a mess in your apartment, Jon.” I whispered as I took my phone and placed it between my face and shoulder, and then applied pressure so it wouldn’t fall out. Walking over to the neat mess of all of the paint tubes and palette knives, I slowly started putting the caps on them and placing them in their carrying case.

“I haven’t seen you in four days because we were in Minnesota, I miss you like crazy. Just pack up some stuff and you can work here. I’ll leave you alone, I just… I miss you, is all.” Jon ended in a whisper making my lips press together in a straight line.

“Alright, alright.” I whispered as I closed my bin and threw a few pieces of palette paper away in the garbage. “Let me just grab some clothes and my backpack and I’ll be-“

“Great!” Jon’s voice gained enthusiasm after my acceptance to the idea of staying at his place for the weekend, an as he rambled off that he would leave in a few minutes, and other random things about food and whatnot, I simply said yes and other noises that made it seem like I was listening. But instead I was sitting on my floor, my painting things around me, staring at the floor, my mind reeling about how much I loved this guy, and how much I just wanted to thank him for saving me.

Ever since Jon and I created this strange bond, suicide hadn’t crossed my mind at all. I wanted to wake up in the morning; I wanted the bright rays of the sun pouring through my window to burn the outside of my eyelids. I wanted to inhale his cologne and feel the soft fabric of his tee shirt against my face. I wanted to press my lips against his soft ones, and run my fingertips ever so gently over every muscle in his body. It was amazing how a simple human being and simple actions could rid me of the toxic and strangling thought of suicide in less than three days.

“I’ll be there in like ten minutes, alright?”

“Deal”, I echoed into the phone as I slowly unfolded my legs and laid my body flat against the small area rug on the cold tiled floor of my dorm room. As he laughed a little, he whispered a small goodbye into the phone, and then as I responded, we both hung up.

Pressing the slim black phone into my forehead, I felt another smile surface onto my lips. It was unusual and foreign to feel my lips twist into a smile. It feels as if seven years ago I had stopped smiling, that seven years ago when my younger self had her life torn from her, that smiling had disappeared and now it had resurfaced, and I wasn’t even sure if I was doing it right.

After a few more minutes of my back pressed against the cold floor, I peeled my body from it, and stood up, looking around for my book bag. Once I found it, I shoved a few articles of clothing in it, enough for at least two days, and then zipped it shut and tossed it near the door. Grabbing my two canvases and bin full of paint, I placed them near the door and then quickly slipped into my moccasins and sucked in a deep breath.

Ten minutes later, my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. As soon as I noticed the short name pop up on my screen, I grabbed all of my things, and carefully made my way out of the doorway and down the hall. Once the phone stopped vibrating, I made my way over to the staircase and quickly started going down them.

As I grew closer to the bottom floor, I felt my heart rate start to increase. Every step that I took bringing me closer to Jon sent my heart beating rougher and rougher against the bones of my rib cage. For the past few days, I tried not to think about him, I tried not to think of his arms around me and our meaningless talks that somehow made me feel better about everything bad in my life, but now that I was about to see him, they were the only thoughts floating around my head.

Finally on the bottom floor near the parking, I parted my lip to take a few breaths and then walked out of the door and spotted the slick car shimmering in the dim lights of the streetlights. Feet slapping against the pavement, I quickly made my way over to it, and as soon as I reached the trunk and set my things down, a car door slammed and nearly two seconds later, my small body was wrapped into a tight hug.

Strong arms pulled me against a strong chest covered in the usual soft tee shirt. Shutting my eyes, I inhaled deeply, letting his cologne fill my sense, and then felt another smile work it way onto my lips. “Hey Jon.”

He quickly broke the hug and instead of greeting me, pressed his lips to mine for a long kiss, and then pulled away, smiling down at me as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I missed you a lot, ya’ know.”

“So I’ve heard.” His eyes connected to mine, and as his smile widened, he kissed me one more time, then helped me load my things into the trunk of his car. Walking me to the passenger side door, he opened it for me and then as I got in, he shut it and walked around the car and quickly slid into the drivers seat.

For the first few minutes of the ride back to his apartment, we stayed silent. Then as we grew closer, and my eyes started to wander around the high-rise buildings all around us, I felt his large hand lightly press against my leg. Without taking my eyes off of the buildings, I reached over and placed my hand on his, my body instantly growing warm.

“The guys were going to come over tomorrow, is that alright?”

“I’ll stay out of the way.” I answered as I tore my eyes away from the buildings and connected them to the man sitting across from me. “I have to get these works done by Tuesday morning, or I fail my midterm.”

“Okay, okay”, he let out a small yawn and then pulled into the parking lot and quickly parked the car in the closest spot by the door. “I’ll grab your things, no worries.”

“I can hold a book bag and a few canvases, Jon. You don’t have to wait on my hand and foot, Jesus.” I chuckled as I got out of the car and followed him over to the trunk. As he popped it open, I grabbed my art bin and canvases, and just as I was about to grab my book bag, he snatched it away from me and flashed me a small smile.

Rolling my eyes, I followed Jon over to the door to the building and then followed closely behind him over to the elevator. Once he walked up to the strong silver doors, he hit the down arrow. Moments later, the doors slid open and we both walked inside.

Silence between the two of us was very common. A lot of people hated the awkwardness, they hated not knowing what the other person was thinking, but with Jon and I, we didn’t care. As long as he was next to me, I didn’t feel the need to talk about meaningless things for hours. He knew if I didn’t want to be there, I wouldn’t, and he knew if he wanted to be alone, I would leave in a flash.

“How has school been?”

“Good”, I replied simply as the doors slid open and Jon took a few steps ahead of me into the hallway. “I might be getting into a show.”

“A show?”

“Like… A gallery show?” I elaborated as Jon stopped at his door and sent me a curious glance as he fumbled for his keys. “Like my paintings hanging in a gallery kind of show. An independent gallery, like a big deal.”

“That’s amazing, Mads!” Jon exclaimed as he swung the apartment door open and quickly pulled me and my things in. Shutting the door behind me, he wrapped his arms around me, making me group my things and then swung me in a small circle before placing my feet back against the floor. “I want to go to the opening if I can.” He gushed as he pressed his lips against mine and then pulled away.

My cheeks turned a deep red as I watched Jon grab my things and quickly stash them in the spare bedroom. When he walked back into the living room, I had kicked off my shoes and sat down on the couch, my body being engulfed in the large cushions. Without a word, Jon walked over to me, kicking his shoes off quickly and tackled me back into the couch.

Now hovering over me, he leaned down and pressed his lips to my neck and let out a low growl. “Is this the only reason you wanted to see me?” I chuckled as he kissed my neck again and then lifted his head so his eyes could align with mine.

“I wanted to see you because every time I see you everything that worries me or drives me crazy, makes me upset or stresses me out goes away.” Jon’s eyes locked onto mine, and after a moment, he paused, and then kissed me lightly and bit down on his bottom lip. “Would you be my girlfriend, Madison?”

“What?” I chocked as he pulled me up and then into his lap.

“I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to call you mine and I want you to be there when I get back from road trips and I just, I love you.”

“Me?”

He laughed as I sat there in shock, his hands now burning holes in my skin. Body warm, I nodded a little and then forced a smile on my face as he pulled me into his body and kissed the top of my head. “So was that a yes?” He questioned.

Nodding, he pulled me tighter against him and sucked in a deep breath, then let it out in a small stream of air and placed his chin on the top of my head. We sat like this for a while, and after a few minutes, I grew so comfortable, that I didn’t ever want to move. There was something about Jon, maybe his height or his muscular stature that made me feel safe. When I was with him, and he was holding me, I felt like no matter what fucked up thing ran through my head, what horrible memory floated through my brain, I was safe. He was the reason I was still alive, and he was going to be the reason I kept going from now on.

“Are you hungry? I was going to get some late dinner.” Jon whispered as he slowly pulled me off of him and gave me a light smile.

“Sushi?” I asked rubbing my eyes like a small child and then yawning. When I looked back at him, he shook his head, kissed my forehead and then rolled off of the couch and headed into the kitchen.

“There’s this really good place a few blocks down they have-“ A loud knock on the door silenced Jon. His wide, confused, brown eyes floated over to the door a few feet away from the couch and locked on it. Head tilted to the side, he paused. As the knock echoed through the apartment again, he slowly made his way to the door and when he reached it, he let out a deep breath and laughed as he swung the door open. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I came to visit you bitch”, the male voice laughed as he took a few loud steps into the apartment. Sinking down into the couch, I listened as the boy went on. “Oh shit, you’ll never guess who I got a text from today. Remember that girl that you used to like date or fuck or whatever bond you guys had?”

I felt my face burn as I pressed my back deeper into the couch. My eyes shut as I listened closely as Jon gasped and the other boy continued. “Anyway, she text me and she was asking about you, so I said I would come over and relay the message. She’s only in town for another week or so, but-“

For the first time in a really long time, I felt like shit. My heartbeat slowed, my veins pushed blood and ice through my veins, and as Jon stood there, silent, I felt my heart start to crack in half. This would only happen to me. His friend telling him about this would of course ruin him asking me out. Of course today, when everything was going well, this happened.

“I’m in a relationship, Kane.” Jon stated sternly and knocked the boy into silence for a good two minutes.

“You?” He was shocked. “Well shit man, who… Wait, that hot blonde chick you took to lunch?”

I literally wanted to die.

“Her name is Madison, Kaner.”

“Jesus Christ, I am jealous. That chick was gorgeous. She-“

“Hello”, I whispered as I shakily got up from the couch and stood up, facing the two men. As Jon’s head snapped in my direction, his eyes darkened as he saw my lip between my teeth, and my hands clasped together, trying to hold back the fact that all of the super happiness that had welled up inside of me from being asked out was now gone. “Nice to see you again.” I flashed him a small smile and watched as he shook his head and then turned to Jon. “Do you want to stay for some sushi?”

They both looked at me as I forced another smile on my face, and then Patrick Kane quickly nodded and walked over to me, putting his arm around my shoulders and sitting us back on the couch. “Positive you don’t have a sister?”

Chuckling a little, I looked down, quickly thinking of my brother and then sucked in a deep breath. “No, I’m an only child.”

“You actually love that guy?” Patrick jerked his thumb toward Jon who looked like he was about to punch the blonde boy right in the face and throw his body off of the balcony.

Nodding, I looked over at Jon and watched as his defeated brown eyes rose to mine. As our eyes connected, I shrugged and then smiled a little despite the sickness that was still stirring in my stomach from Patrick’s comments earlier. “Yeah, I actually do.”