Demons (Jonathan Toews)

Chapter Twelve

My whole body was numb. Visions of her face, painted with makeup, smiling at me like I was a little lost puppy, the little lost puppy that cried and ran to her whenever I could, poisoned my brain. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to peel my skin off, take away every single cell that may have touched her, and burn it.

As I sat in my car, parked out side of Madison’s dorms, I felt like crying. I wanted to tell her that I was sick, that I let my stress levels toy with my brain and kill my relationships, but when I thought about her, the look in her eyes the day I saved her from killing her self, the look in her eyes when Pat mentioned Lori coming back to Chicago, I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t tell her that I was sick enough to go to the hotel, walk all the way up to her room, and then stop. I never actually went in. As soon as I reached the door, and the numbers matched the few she sent me, I broke.

”I knew you would show up.” Her voice disrupted my screaming thoughts as she cracked the door open, standing in front of me in nothing but a bra and underwear. As I surveyed her body, I felt venom start to fill my mouth, hate rushed through my veins, and for the first time ever, I found her ugly. Physically she wasn’t ugly, but in every other way, she was. She was a manipulative woman who got what she wanted and if she didn’t she just kept trying. It was sick.

She wasn’t getting anything she wanted today.

Her hands pressed against my chest and her face was within inches from mine when I carefully pushed her back and shook my head. “Don’t text me, don’t call me, hell, don’t even think of me every again, got it?” I snapped and turned away from her, my nerves exploding and dying out leaving my whole body numb.

“The fuck, Jon?” She screamed toward me, but I was already half way down the hall, and I wasn’t turning around. “You’re fucked up, you know that?” Her voice faded as I turned the corner and headed back over to the elevator.

Once in the elevator, I leaned against the back wall and covered my face. I felt dirty for showing up, I felt dirty for even thinking about doing this when I knew I had Madison, but it felt damn good to tell her enough was enough, to her face and resist her. Even though I may have broke this, the bad outweighed the good, and I would have this hanging on my shoulders until I got enough guts to tell Madison about this, and that was going to take a lot of time.

Enough time for me to fuck up again.

“Hey Mads?” My voice shook as I pressed the phone to my ear and sunk down lower in the driver’s seat of my car.

“Hey!” A sleepy voice came over the phone, but was awake enough to convey how excited she was to hear from me. “Great game, babe. I didn’t get to watch all of it but I saw the last two periods and it was killer.” Her voice slowed and then picked up again as I pictured her drifting in and out of sleep.

“I’m sorry it’s so late.” I whispered, the horrible events of tonight settling in my stomach like a dozen razorblades. “I’m in the parking garage by your building. I know it’s late but I was having a rough time and I-“

There were a few muffled noises and then a long yawn. After it ended her small voice came back on the phone. “I’ll be right down.” She whispered, then whispered a small ‘goodbye’, and hung up.

Sitting in my car, I glued my eyes to the small clock on my dashboard and felt guilt start to wash over my body. As it settled, I felt tears start to well up behind my eyes. Madison was too good for me. She cared too much for me, more care than I could ever deserve from one person. I was an asshole, an asshole who didn’t deserve one damn smile from a girl like Madison.

“Hey, Jonny, open up!” I quickly snapped out of my self-loathing thoughts and looked over toward the passenger side window and felt the air catch in my chest. The blonde was standing there, her eyes shimmering in the small light of the parking garage, and her body was wrapped up in a sweatshirt and a pair of baggy sweatpants. Even though she was in her pajamas, with no makeup on, she still looked more beautiful than any girl I had seen.