:[march to the sea]:

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[trigger warning ⚠️: Self harm! Graphic details of it, please ask me for a summary if you think you won't be safe ❤️ Some details about underage sex+ rape]

J O S H

I have no idea what happened to Tyler, but it was really weird.

"Josh come here!" My mom calls to me just as I was about to start walking up stairs. I turn around and hurry over to the couch she's sitting on. She's reading people's magazine while my dad is sat in the chair across from her watching football.

"Yes?" I ask.

"That Tyler boy is so sweet. Make sure you invite him over again soon." She smiles.

If only she knew that he's threatened to kill me multiple times.

I just nod and go up to my room. I have a shit ton of homework to do.

T Y L E R

Thank you Ruby. I love you.

"It really wasn't a problem. I'm happy to help you." She says with a smile. I smile at that too. But I sigh when I see my house come into view.

Hope you get your ass beat tonight.

"Leave him alone blurry." Mr misty eye says. I walk inside and see my dad smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table.

"Hey dad." I greet him, pulling off my shoes.

"Hey Tyler. Where were you?" He asks.

"I met this kid named Josh and he invited me over for dinner. His family was really nice." I grin.

"How did it go? Did Blurry come out?" He asks, looking up at me. My grin turns serious.

"He came out twice. I think he only threatened Josh. He was trying to take over while I was sitting at dinner with his family, but Ruby took over instead. She told me what happened. Apparently she talked to everyone and even helped clean the dishes afterwards." I smile at the last part.

"You didn't scare them did you?" He asks.

"Well I think Blurry scared Josh at first, but Josh seemed to get over it. Everyone yelled at Blurry though." I elaborate.

"Well I hope you and him can be friends." He smiles at me. I nod and simper before walking to my room. I pull out my journal. My therapist a few years ago told me that journaling should help me.

I flip to a blank page and grab my pen.

I made what I hope is a friend today. His name is Josh. At first I was defensive and rude, but thats because I thought him had some sort of ulterior motive. But, when he came over and said something to the kids that were being mean to me, my view on him changed. He also saw me at my most vulnerable, right after Blurry beat someone up. He invited me to his house, and I went. His brother called me a boy toy, which did hurt a bit. We played video games and I stayed for dinner. Blurry kept taking over, which obviously freaked Josh out. I kept telling him I can't help it and I think he started to understand. His family is really nice. After awhile Blurry was trying to take over again, but Ruby got to it first. I can't thank her enough. Ruby made me walk home so I didn't have to bother him by making him drive me. Dad seemed happy that I talked to someone besides the people in my head.

-Tyler

I flip back a few pages, realizing I haven't been this happy in months. Everyone else always writes if they're still in control in the evening. I go back to the beginning of my journal, where Blurry talked about it.

Stupid, stupid Tyler. I'm writing this because I know he'll come back and read it. I want to describe every single detail. It started when Mom slapped him. He cried because of it. So she slapped him again. And again. And again. Then she started kicking him. But he fucking deserved it. When he could stand again, he snuck out of the house. He thought he'd be able to get away, but he just made things worse for himself. They did the most horrible things to him. He deserved them all though. Now he's dirty dirty dirty d i r t y. They touched him and tainted him. I wish they would've killed him. It seems like even though he's not there anymore, they really are killing him. Stupid boy.

-błürrÿfāčė

I sob. I cry and cry for so long that I think I ran out of tears. I still cry every time I think of that. That's when my personalities started. I was 13 and got kidnapped into human trafficking . I had sex every single night for months. By the end of that experience, I'd learned to act like I liked it. Such an ugly act. I didn't have a choice. They would punish me if I refused to do it with them.

I pull my razor blade out of the top drawer of my dresser. I immediately pull it along my skin.

I deserve this. I deserve suffering. I'm a disgusting human being.

You're a disgusting human being.

I go in between scars and scabs, even going over some. I do the same on my thighs, just like I always do.

You deserve worse.

I deserve worse.