As She Authored *

Gerwin

July 3, 2017

Dear,
To be honest, I never thought that I'd fall for you again.

I fell again, God dammit.
I know, I'm stupid for doing so.

But what? What am I supposed to do...
Ever since last year August to be exact, I start liking your weird ways, your creepy smiles.

I start admiring you from afar, start loving you. Never uttered any words regarding my feelings for you, and I regret that stupid action. If I had confessed to you, then maybe-just maybe we could've work.

I'm sorry for assuming, but I really thought you liked me back then, when 4th quarter started... you keep on hugging me, touching my hair...

Which I once mentioned, and I quote, I like it when men hug me (one arm) and touch my hair.

You can say it, I'm a fucking slut.

I am already loving you when I was on a relationship. A relationship that stopped after 5 days, because of the guilt I felt during these times. 'Coz not only am I playing fire with him, but I'm just playing my own feelings.

My love for you is stronger on what I ever felt.

Never doubted that I like you.

You were the first person to turn me on, legit. And yet, you were the first person who rejected my love. I was used to people accepting from me, anything. I like loving another even though I despise my pathetic self.

I love you, and I don't even know why.

Now you're there at Orosi, California.
I go there once a year, I was there this May 2017, and I think I saw you. And I was wishing it was you, I only wish.

I'm happy for you though. I'm happy for you, for you only, I'm not happy on what I feel, the heartache, and headaches are killing me.

And then...

You came back, waltzing with confidence. I was shook. Woke that I will never forget you.

I was on the stage of moving on, and yet whenever they utter your name my ear perks up, my heart beats turns erratic, my stomach will flutter, cheeks would stain. Haist.

You talked to a friend of yours (I guess) and he is a friend of mine too. You requested that I should unblock you, he asked, 'why?'.

And you just answered with, 'I'm just going to tell her something.'. Fast forward we talked through Messenger like nothing ever happened, but you don't know I was dying to know what that 'something' means. I asked him, our friend to ask you about that 'something', but unfortunately you got angry. I was shocked, what is so important that you can't even trust a friend of yours for more than a year. What is it.

I kept on asking you what was the true reason, but you said it was just random.

Random.

But then, why talk to me when you could've talked to my ex who is (was) your friend, a girl that you said you liked, and that friend of ours. Why talk to me, who still loves you... why talk to someone who you don't even consider as your friend. Why me?

I know you know that I haven't moved on. I was getting frustrated, I can't help the urge to show you the print screen he gave me (a proof that he wasn't bluffing), your conversation, where you requested for me to notice you again.

I want too. But I can't, I can't be direct to the point, I can't just go and ask you things like that, I would just look too desprate. Because I am looking pass things that shouldn't be look over. It might humiliate me more.

All I want to say is I'm Dying.

And as tears run down my eyes,

Contemplating on whether I should save this as a draft or send you this personal    e-mail.

Taking my mug up, I notice that there was nothing more to drink. The door bell rang, the pizza guy is here, as I took a money straight from my wallet I saw a picture of you from Facebook that I printed...

I walked towards the door and opened it, I saw a cold face, I quickly gave him the money... sitting down, took a piece I notice it was cold, cold like the huge house I live in, cold as my hands and feet after the heater turned off itself, cold as your heart but I love it bit by bit.

No matter the circumstances I still look for you.

And lastly as I type this soon-to-chapter for my book, I say, 'I love you I wish and hope you could read this, hope you're by my side so I could rain you kisses and love. Haist. Love you, Gerwin.' I finished the draft as I look up, wishing that your thinking about me.

Sincerely loving a man, GRM,
IPOBTINALLA.