As She Authored *

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July 23, 2017

Dear,
Why couldn't I forget you.

It's tiring, I swear. I fucking love you, g, I do. But everyone of you guys reading this, that it is so tiring to love when you know it is not even returned.

Especially when the love of your life is ignoring your evident love and affection.

Am not raised with an affectionate or showy family, I'm rather raised with a cold and a business woman I call my mother. Don't get me wrong my mother loves me, us. Just not the overly mother type, the supporting and affectionate? Nah, my mom is the strict and a control freak.

See, growing up I was never an affectionate one. I grew up with love coming from my brothers... I was never showy, but knowing you, g... you brought out my buried personality that I, myself didn't know it even exist.

Because of you I still smile,
because of you you gave me a reason to socialize. I am a proud introvert. But as I fall for you I started to socialize... yet you were the one who destroyed me into millions and millions of pieces.

I'm sorry but I'm tired of this shitty feelings.
But why am I still grasping those feeling with an intangible force. I fucking love you, g. I will repeat it again and again.

I got the news. School just started there at Cali. Wow, I cried that day. I cried while doing my work, cried while eating, cried while I take my last shower, and I cried myself to... sleep. And the next day? I was so drained, I forgot to breath for a while, a panick attack. But I held them, and go on with my day like there is nothing wrong with me. Because I know there are a lot of girls, women out there better than me... I know you'll find someone you will love. I know you will find her there, I know. I know I'm not that girl.

I'm slowly dying, literally.

I dreamt about killing myself with you just watching me. With you enjoying. And the last? You were crying, while I die enclosed by your arms, as you confess you love me all along. I cried once more. Once more.

Once more I grew tired.

Tired of the way I try to keep up with you,
Tired of the thoughts you drilled in my head: "I'd rather chase the woman, than let her chase me." You're such an gentleman. I love it. You chivalry is explicit. I love it. I love you. Always.

But I'm so confused. I don't see you as a perfect being, 'cause I don't believe in perfection (though I am a proud perfectionist), I believe in flaws. I see your flaws, your creepy but amusing smile, your awkwardness, the way you stutter infront of crowd, your slouched stance... everything (I am very observant). I love them all.

I loved them all.

Oh my gosh, I don't know what to think anymore. I just don't know.

I want some closure? I want you, that is what I need. That is what I know I need. I need to move on, but I can't. I love you too much to move on.

Ugh, I want to move on... but at the same time I don't. I can't make up my fucked up mind.

But I just love you, okay? Okay.

"Hi, I'm Ivy. The person who loves you, a girl slowly dying without your love... your presence. A woman slowly being indulge with darkness. You will always be my 'the one that got away.'You will always be the love of my life."

To be honest with you, g. I don't fucking believe all your shity response... that you never once felt something for me. Because guys, believe it or not when you know or felt that someone is in love with you...? You'll have this unidentified, unknown, and unlabeled feelings towards that someone, right? I am speaking through experience.

I did not believed you when you brushed off my feelings with a 'IDC'. I just don't (i did shed a tear or two). I know you felt a tug. But I know you just didn't acknowledged it because it was so faint that you barely even felt it.

It's just impossible to be so stone cold. I know behind that sadistic thoughts, weird thinking... I know you're a loving guy, because you know how to care.

'Cause you once cared about me. Once, it happened once, but it's everything to me. Everything. You're so deaf, because you never heard the fast beating of my heart whenever you are near, whenever you are being subtle with your unknown actions... I'm still confused with those actions, the one arm hugs, hugs because you did it not just twice but more... you played with my  hair, that you know I fucking like. You played with it, like its the most precious thing in the world. I felt so love. I still feel the way you hold me.

Whenever you hug me... I want to lean to you, you don't know how much inner strength I exerted. You don't know how much I wanted to blush as you said your reasons to why your doing the action. It was fucking cute... how your grin was so wide, and I do not know if you were blushing or not. Fucking cute.

You know its hard to throw you away when you kept on going back. You'll show up when I'm starting to free myself, and I'll be on square one again, and it'll just repeat itself.

I'm scared, because you seem to have this powerful hold onto my heart and mind. You have this dominant force in you that I cannot help but to submit.

How would I feel the need to personally tell you I love you, when you are avoiding me. When I know for a fact that you wouldn't even acknowledged it. Just how?

I feel the need to forget you... they say I need to because you'll be the death of me.

But I just need to be in your arms.

There is a voice inside my head, but how could I acknowledge it if all I could here is the fast beating of my heart.

I'm tired of the adrenaline, the hurtful words and actions. I'm tired. But then again, I still have this feelings that I want you to feel. I just want to drain it, it could take some time... maybe a month, a year, years? I don't care hahaha. I do not care. I love you, g. All I ask of you is to accept my blunt request, love me back?

Sound so desprate right? Though I'm not because I'm willing to wait, but at the same time I don't care. Atleast you heard my request.

Sincerely loving a man, GRM,
Ivy Obtinalla.