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Smut-ology

CUE THE 80's MOOD MUSIC

Ring-a-ding-ding the the Queen is back to give you tips and things.

I'm not sure which is more comical, me referring to myself as a queen or the word 'ring-a-ding-ding'

I'm trying to create awkward humor because I don't know what I'm doing right now.

I just want to let y'all know that THIS WAS REQUESTED. LIKE SEVERAL TIMES.

Like... y'all really asking me how to write smut...

:/ y'all truly asking the wrong person dog.

:/ y'all think I'm playing I seriously can't write smut.

:/ I don't wanna hear 'yes you can' NO I CANT. I can't write it how I wanna write it.

Smut is written sex and you have to be extremely talented to write some bomb ass smut.

So once again I'm wondering why I was requested to do this.

Maybe y'all just wanted a good laugh.

Well hope your laughing cause I'm STRUGGLING.

I can go over some basic stuff I guess.

1. DONT USE MEDICAL NAMES.

I mean I guess you can but that's so strange... I mean if it's not strange to you THEN THATS FINE TOO.

In other words, don't say shit like 'Penis' and 'Vagina'. (I mean unless you want to. Like I said I don't know shit)

Have you ever read smut where whoever is about to get dicked down shouted "I want your penis." or "Give me your penis." or 'I'm gonna shove my penis in your tight vagina baby'

Boy what? You ain't finna do NOTHING of the sorts talking to me like that, hell no.

It's the 21 century and we call a penis a dick or maybe cock or something. A vagina is a pussy or some shit I DONT FUCKING KNOW MY GOD. 

I don't think people shout that sorta stuff during real sex... I mean... man I don't know dog.

I'm oozing with awkwardness right now.

2. DONT NICKNAME 'IT'

I can't explain this enough.

Like don't call it a 'weenier' or a 'wennie'. I mean unless you're doing food porn... then that's probably be great.

Nobody said 'I stuck mini Roman in my mouth and began to bob my head'

and nobody says that because Roman's not 'mini'

ILL STOP I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING GO MAKE THINGS AWKWARD BECAUSE GAHHHHH

3. YOU NEED EXPERIENCE

Stop it right there.

This is not me telling you to go out and suck some random dick, THAT IS NOT THE PURPOSE OF THIS.

I'm all for believing that you should save yourself for your future significant other even if that's not the route I took. Your virginity is sacred blah blah. You're not a prude if you don't have sex during your high school career SERIOUSLY DONT EVER LET ANYONE EVER PRESSURE YOU INTO THINKING YOU HAVE TO DO THIS IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTABLE BECAUSE YOULL DO JUST FINE WITHOUT IT. I. PROMISE.