"and if you don't take any risks.. you may aswell be dead." Shane sat back in her dimly lit room as silent tears started to roll down her face. She knew Carmen was right, watching it on a screen made it even more clear. It still cut her deeply, hearing those words from Carmen. She watched the tape that freak recorded of them countless times. Rewinding and fastforwarding, over and over, again and again. She felt so helpless, Shane honestly couldn't handle seeing Jenny and carmen together especially so happy it hurt too much but she knew Carmen would be happier without her, she truly believed that. Carmen deserved so much better then what Shane felt she could ever give to her. How could Shane really be there for Carmen, she could barely handle herself. The glimpses she caught off Jenny and carmen were real, how could they not be. That's possibly what made her the saddest.
"You're having a hard time with it?" Carmen's voice feels like an echo from the screen as she watched silently.
"Im happy for you guys.. looks like you two are having a blast together." Shane pauses and looks down as she slowly says on the video machine "that's.. a very.. good thing."
"Then why would it be so hard for you.." Carmen says not sounding like she believed Shane at all.
There was a long pause as Shane comtinued to watch herself on the screen being speechless or just too afraid to speak.
"Now Shane, I want you to look at me.." Shane could barely breathe. "I know how hard you work to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on the planet, and I am sure that deep down you've got some great reasons why but it's not working for you anymore."
Shane felt weak "it's working fine." She stated quietly, still not able to clearly look up.
"No it's not.. it's not because of this.."
Shane rewound that sentence again and again.. she pushed her knees up against her chest and felt even more tears slide down her cheeks. She felt so alone and sad, just watching herself and carmen on that screen. Mesmerised by the look she could see Carmen giving her on the tape.. the hand on her chest.
She wanted to believe what Carmen was saying, about them having the real deal and she did a little bit especially once Carmen got so close. Shane could almost feel Carmen's breath alot closer then she could handle. How could she deny it? There was chemistry, there was.. dare she say it.. love. but Shane knew that she didn't deserve someone like Carmen, someone as special as carmen. Carmen deserves better.. someone who can trust herself to not ever hurt her again. Shane had proven to herself she wasn't capable of that. Shane couldn't help but feel a guilty reassurance once she re heard the tape for the 12th time and saw how close Carmen was getting, she felt guilty because of how good it felt, how right it felt.. even through a TV, no matter how many times she tries to deny it to herself. Also guilt over the fact that Carmen really didn't believe that Jenny and her were the real deal, sadness because she hoped even though she wouldn't accept it.. that they still were. even in that moment when all she wanted to do was shy away and hide behind her hair, wanting to find any way to not look her in the eyes because looking her in the eyes would make it feel too real. seeing Carmen so close made her not be able to run away from it. And all she wanted to do was RUN.
Shane had already made a pact with herself to stay away from such deep feelings as the ones she was getting from Carmen.. but it just felt too late. She didn't want to hurt her again, she didn't want to feel the pain of doing it again. She didn't want to get hurt again either, as selfish as that may sound. Shane just couldn't handle emotions and she didn't want to, she would be a lot happier if she could just carry on doing her usual thing but everything Carmen was saying felt so true. Shane wouldn't admit it out loud but Carmen was right, she wasn't living, she was hiding. Shane felt so scared to even accept that fact because it's something she never let in, but it felt like it was all coming to the top and about to explode. She had to, but she just couldn't deny it anymore. She couldn't. But she did.
--}}this one shot thing is really annoying me, but I'm posting it anyway. OTP material and goals Sharmen is.
